For the third time in as many semesters, my grades are causing me much grief. Except this time round, I feel like I have a split personality.
Coming so soon after Anntic, where I was reminded that my identity is and should be in God, my fretting over grades is contrary to what God has patiently been reminding me time and time again. Should my well-being and emotions be held captive by how well or how badly I do academically?
Fundamentally, the age-old edage echoes in my very being. Do I really need to breach what is fast becoming the 4.0 barrier? Why do I want to get second-upper class honours so much?
If God is my Lord and Saviour, then I should start letting Him claim Lordship over my life.
My results are really not all that bad. They are actually okay. My CAP score remains at 3.8 overall, and I really did not do all that badly.
But it also means that my CAP stays below 4.0, and a quick check with the CAP calculator on the Arts website shows that I need a 4.6 to break that barrier next semester - which translates into a slightly above A- average. Not undoable, but it's just not Clement-ly possible.
It is only "bad" to me because I seem to fall short of the high standards that I think I should be capable of - but crucially, never produced, for some reason or another. I should just wake up and stop deluding myself - just because some of my friends are academic whizzes does mean that I will turn into one via osmosis.
I may have been my mother's failed Project RJC, but I should definitely stop being my own failed Project It's-Still-Possible-For-Clement-To-Be-President's-Scholar. I am a child of God, and it's time to start exhibiting the hope that I have.
But I just cannot help but feel disappointed that I crashed for the modules for my major. I just totally underperformed in the 3 sociology modules this semester.
Although the B- for Culture and Society was not entirely unexpected, the B- for Methods and B+ for Mass Media were like way off what I even scored for my term paper - which can only mean one thing, I crashed at the examinations.
Going back to the drawing board, this would mean that my preparation was not sufficient. I have not been consistent in my readings and trying to cram everything in the run up to the examinations.
If that's the case, then while disappointment may be legitimate, I should not really fret overly. Whatever it is, I am taking this to be a call to consistency. Consistency not so much restricted to my academic readings, but also all areas of my life.
Although I was late by a grand 45 minutes because I could not break out of the stone mode I went into because of the results, meeting Adrian for lunch almost immediately after I got my results today was good, because meeting him is always like facing up to my conscience and the reality of being a Christian. It helped clear the gloom.
In my first semester, although i have decided before the finals that I was not going to major in geography, my unexpected B- for GE1101E was the final nail in the coffin. In my second semester, EL1101E was the singular C+ that killed my CAP. I gave up the idea of minoring in English as a result.
But what followed each of the first two semesters was a grand masterplan on how to salvage that bloody CAP score, reaching 4.0 has been my god the last year and a half. And in the midst of it all, studying has become a chore. I only got an A for the module I had most fun working on this semester. I think the lesson is clear - I need to start enjoying studying what I am studying again.
So unlike the last two semesters, this semester I am not going to bother coming up with an intricate plan. I plan more than I do anyway, just as I talk more than I do - which accounts for why everybody thinks I study a lot.
I am just going to be consistent in establishing my identity in Him next semester. While I am going to try my best with being consistent with my readings academically, I think my focus would be to restore myself in Him.
I am not veering from one extreme to another. It is useless to even say that I am on a quest of moderation. These are merely surface issues and do not deal with my root issues.
Ridding of my obsession with grades is merely part of a greater surrendering of everything to God, recognising His Lordship over my life. I am just glad that I have another chance to do that, and I hope I can finally stand up and be counted this time round.
After all, in a post-modern world it is always so easy to forget that Jesus is greater than my grades. And greater than everything for that matter.
I am just so tired of chasing the wind. It's time to stop.
2005/2006 Sem 1 Examination for ARTS AND SOCIAL SCIENCES 2
| Module Code | Module Title | Grade |
|---|---|---|
| NM2220 | INTRODUCTION TO MEDIA WRITING | A |
| SC2101 | METHODS OF SOCIAL RESEARCH | B- |
| SC2206 | CULTURE & SOCIETY | B- |
| SC2214 | MASS MEDIA & CULTURE | B+ |
| ULS2204 | BIODIVERSITY AND CONSERVATION BIOLOGY | B+ |
CAP: 3.8
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