A Note to Self

The new ABC sci-fi drama, Flash Forward, is premised on a simultaneous global blackout that transported people into their futures. This short 137 second glimpse six months into their future causes mass hysteria for some, and brings a renewed sense of purpose for others. It was kindda sobering for me. While I am so impatient for my immediate short-term future to be sorted out, I am not sure if I could handle what I see (or don't see, indicating I wouldn't be alive?) in that vision.

xxx

At our first meeting a few months ago, the super-big-shot writer whom I've been assisting, told me with a knowing, reassuring smile that everything I've been through in the last year or so, sounds like a natural path for all young, aspiring journalists. He has become my mentor of sorts in the last few months I've been at the magazine, pretty apt since he's just about my only American journalistic hero -- so his words mean a lot to me.

What I told him: It's ironic how my desire to be a better journalist and my almost-free-press-activist convictions brought me to America, but after Journalism School, journalism may not be the thing I may end up doing after all. After working through the "falsehoods" of my youthful idealism -- what with me being the liberator of Singapore's press and what not -- I've come to realized that I need to be doing what makes me happy professionally.

"Falsehoods" not because they are universally false, but while they have sustained and brought me to where I am today, they aren't sufficient to bring me to my next step -- which requires a careful examining of my interests and what would engage me professionally. "What's worse than worrying whether you would lose your job, is being in a job that doesn't use your talents." Yes, not having a job is the worst, but look, I don't exactly have one right now.

The unfortunate thing about this realization is that it is coming at a time when the American news business is in a chronic funk and I might have to get a non-journalistic job to learn what I need to learn, in order to get my first job as a journalist. The reality of the American news business is this: they want and need expertise, but they also want and need it now.

They have neither time nor money to cultivate talent right now. They don't really care about how big picture concerns of how this would impact the shape of journalism in the future. How could they do that when they don't even know they will survive the double whammy of the moment -- the news business meltdown and the recession.

In spite of that, it would seem that staying in Washington or moving to New York in a job -- journalistic or non-partisan, independent think tank -- in either foreign policy or environment and energy policy, is probably best for me at this point. I am hesitant in being conclusive about it because I've learnt my lesson regarding the chasm between the idea and the reality of doing something. At the same time, my other options in America (political risk consultancy) does not seem feasible given my (yet insufficient) level of expertise. 

So it's a waiting game. I've sent out a few applications and will send out another round in the next few days. There are potentially a few game-changing decisions I still have to make in the next few weeks, but I would still have to wait and wait and wait. It's not very fun because money is going to run very tight in a bit and I am bloody impatient for things to start happening and for some form of professional stability (i.e. a job with a salary, benefits and a sponsored work visa that would let me stay in America beyond July 2010) to come by soon.

I am sorry if I sound like a spoilt Ivy-League brat with an overwhelming sense of entitlement, but all I am asking is for a decent wage that can let me repay my student debts asap and be financially independent. I've had enough of being free labor and drafting rounds after rounds of cover letters, resumes and writing clips. There is a limit to how many angles you can invent to shape your own personal narrative because after a while, you just lose your sense of who you are.

I guess working for free the last 3 months have at least helped me distill the things I want in a career and at the same time, get to know a lot of the big-name editors and learn how they conceive those kind of stories I hope to write myself one fine day. I can only hope the big-shot writer is not just being nice and encouraging. I really hope he's right, that something right for me would come along real soon.

Journalism might be a mere vehicle/medium for me to do what I want to pursue and I am prepared to get out of it if I need to, but for now, I am still hoping to get one in it. Because life in a constant state of siege, just simply ain't something I can sustain for any much longer. There are bills to pay at the end of the day.