And with that revelation during a time of reflection and meditation on Friday afternoon, the VCF Annual Teaching Camp 2005 pretty much ended for me.
And to think that Anntic this year only began to crystallise on Thursday, and that this crystallisation happened almost on a whim.
It was the fourth day and we were having our final Bible study session after the concluding Bible exposition in the morning. Knowing what a chatterbox I am, Pamela kind of dared me to not talk at all during this session.
I decided to take up the dare not so much because I wanted to prove her wrong, but because I realised that I was talking too much and too irrelevantly during our group sharings. I sensed that although my group members were not showing it, that they were also not too happy about it.
I also thought that it would be a great idea to get used to not talking because I was to attend a workshop on meditation later that day.
When I purposefully remained quiet during the Bible study session, I rediscovered the pleasures and benefits of listening. I actually found myself learning a lot more just by listening.
But before I was afforded time to gloat over my achievement, Evelyn said, "For someone like Clement who talks a lot, not talking does not mean that he is still in his heart and mind."
I was floored. I was not so much upset, but I realised how much truth those words of jest contained. It got my mind racing during the whole of lunch time.
Some Background Information
I had come into this year's camp, expecting some sense of direction for myself in the next year, especially since just before the camp started on Monday, God had warned me at the combined Anglican churches youth camp not to go on a full sabbatical on Saturday night.
The sermon about being restored in God, delivered by Pastor Wong Tuck Meng, was especially pertinent, right down to the minute details and the analogies he used.
In his sermon, he said, "You are sorely mistaken if you think you can reject Jesus. It is not for us to choose to reject Jesus, because He first chose us."
"You may have been discouraged and hurt, but how can you and why are you rejecting Jesus just when He has decided that you are adequately mature to deal with that particular sinful aspect of yourself."
"Why are you really going on a sabbatical when all you really need is accountability right now? People who go on a sabbatical like that often end up going on a road of no return."
"Why are you now looking for God all over the place when He has always been right beside you?"
It was a stunning rebuke, but in the exact same breath, Pastor Wong reminded with Psalms 103: 8-18 that God's purpose of discipline is not to destroy - he disciplines because He loves.
"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbour his anger forever, he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities...As a father has compassion on his children, so that Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, for he remembers that we are like dust."
By the end of the night, while I knew that I should not leave Heartbeat completely, I also knew that the earlier desire to go on a sabbatical to establish my identity in Him, to take some time out for myself with Him was also something that is totally necessary because I realised I do not know Him as a father at all.
It was thus with this air of expectancy regarding direction for the new year that I went to Anntic 05 with.
Discovering Meditation and Stillness
At the meditation workshop later that Thursday afternoon, my attempt at trying to still my heart and listening to God failed miserably because my thoughts kept wondering around.
But when I was journaling, I realised that I could actually make some sense of the wondering thoughts of mine. While they showed that I have a long way to go before I finally learn to be still before God, those distractions also greatly symbolise the idols in my life.
"Of what value is an idol, since a man has carved it? Or an image that teaches lies? For he who makes it trusts in his own creation; he makes idols that cannot speak.
Woe to him who says to wood,' Come to life!' Or to lifeless stone, 'Wake up!' Can it give guidance?"
It is covered with gold and silver; there is no breath in it. But the Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before Him." - Habakkuk 2:18
On hindsight, those bizarre meandering thoughts can be classified into two broad categories.
- Love: that I have been looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. My inccesant chatter was quite simply a symptom of my insecurity, my chronic attempt to seek affirmation and to be understood by all.
- Work: that work in whatever form, be it school work, my ad-hoc journalism and my ministry work were obscuring me from knowing God.
Being Broken in a Safe Environment
Within an hour of the meditation session, things came to a head when I decided to sit in at Gabriel's social action workshop which had overshot by an hour or so.
All it took was for somebody to say something about the free press not being important in the exertion of a Christian worldview and that they do not think free press is important because they cannot seem to find a Biblical principle behind it or something along those lines, for my impulsiveness to see the light of day again.
The notion of a free press is something that is very close to my heart since journalism is a profession I may eventually venture into. Although it remains a concept that I am in the midst of grappling with currently, those offending words made me stand up and deliver a crude rebuttal.
I regretted the manner and tone at which I had delivered my rebuttal the moment I sat down.
For many people, this was classic Clement, someone who shoots his mouth off, and unable to control his sense of raw passion and what he perceives as his sense of justice.
And it occurred to me that unless I learn to present my thoughts in a way that was platable to people around me, I will never be able to be effective as God's testament.
My ability to speak is one of my few giftings from God and it will never be used for God's glory effectively if I do not temper my words with tact, humility and more importantly, gentleness and love.
All those dignance worked up in me that stems from a lack of social justice that I perceived would stay as angst within myself if I am not able to communicate these insights to people around me.
Just as I was fretting over this matter when my group asked me to present our discussion pointers during Exco Time, Luke wrote this on the paper I used to write my points.
"Don't seek to convince them with your speech, seek to bless them with your words."
Exco Time basically dealt with the matter of whether should VCF be run as independent entities in the respective halls and faculties since the law school would be moving to Bukit Timah in the next academic year.
My group collectively thought it was not a feasible idea to split, but that the current system of autonomy is appropriate.
In the end, I prayed before going up to speak and repeated what Luke told me as a disclaimer before I started speaking.
While my hands were trembling big time when I was speaking because I was nervous, on hindsight, I knew somehow that was not totally me speaking upfront - because despite my anxiety, my speech was fluent, gentle enough and the ending came about naturally.
Luke told me afterwards that while he thought my words were not convincing "as usual," he preferred what I said because it was not overtly in your face.
I ended up apologizing personally to the person whom I rebutted in the workshop not once, but twice because I felt that my first apology was not complete enough. I also thought that since I delivered the rebuttal in a public realm, that I also owed that person a public apology which I promptly made at the customary corporate sharing session on the last night.
But through it all, this was the most difficult thing I had to digest about myself. And to think that overtime, this has become my dominant trait because I keep saying things in this impulsive and hard hitting manner.
I fretted a lot about it and honestly I detested it because because there is more to me than that. I was reminded of the words of Adrian, Gabriel and a particular email from a "Betty Tong" a few weeks before Anntic, regarding not so much my excessive talking, but how in my excess, I have exhibited nary the hope I have in God.
I remembered not being very convinced. Maybe they were right, but my disbelief had a lot to do with what Adrian had observed about my subconscious ego-maniac streak - that I am "not like that," that my standards are "not so low," that I am very good. My lack of self esteem has morphed into a form of the opposite. I am actually so full of myself.
Against the Daniel Mirror
The Biblical Daniel was one whose faith was such that he did not exactly waver when thrown into the lions' den. Despite not being sure whether God would come and save him, he still trusted.
He simply trusted because he knew God's character so well, and trusted Him.
The example of Daniel in the Bible was like a damning mirror that showed up all my shortcomings in all its worth and brought me utterly to my knees - like when I was previously stuck in the Bruneian jungles when I was in OCS a few years ago.
Yet, unlike the previous occasion, I actually know that the things He has shown me this time round are symptomatic of my greater malaise - my virual non-existent identity in Him.
In the Nov. 25 entry of My Utmost For His Highness, Oswald Chambers wrote that "most of us are not spiritually coherent because we are more concerned about being coherent externally." The example of Daniel, in particular, has shown that what we say reveals a great deal about ourselves. My attempt to be conherent outwardly was actually empty chatter that showed up my emptiness.
Conclusion
I had gone to Anntic expecting to get some form of direction from God regarding 2006, but in the end I think I got more than what I had bargained for despite not exactly get everything I wanted.
When God said that He is bothered about my being, and not my doing, I reckoned He is also telling me to focus to get the main thing of establishing a relationship with Him first, and everything will fall into place.
All the practical decisions to be made - exchange to Canada, involvement in Heartbeat, school ministry and VCF - will just have to fall in line with this main focus. No need for blueprints. No need for grand masterplans.
Coming back from Anntic yesterday, while I was immensely fatigued because I hardly slept on the last night, instead staying up to talk and play dumb games with my group members; I realised that for the first time in a long time, there was genuine joy in me.
Coming from me, this has got to be very, very rare.
But I guess I finally understood that I really have got nothing to prove, that I do not have to make everybody understand where I am coming from - simply because I know God knows and understands every single thing.
If only I would be still and know.
I may be ordinary, but I know I am precious in His sight. I may be damned by the Daniel mirror, but I am saved by His act of sacrifice on the cross.
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