How else do you explain why I keep dozing off the last 2 days when I am able to finally start studying?
Maybe it has got to do with the readings I have got to be doing, but no matter where I go, it was like it is back to the good old days in OCS where I could sleep anywhere, everywhere, whether sitting or standing, and in all sorts of weather conditions.
The only difference between then and now is that while I had no cares in the world then, my examinations are due to start next Friday!
Yesterday I was in the library first, but I soon dozed off. Then in the evening, I thought it was the cold library air that made me sleepy, so I migrated to the arts canteen. It was pointless, coz I ended up sleeping on the benches.
I attributed yesterday's fatigue to arranging to meet Ian Chen for brunch at 10.15am and sleeping only at 4am the night before. But today was just plain insane.
I went to KAP Macdonalds to try to read after class ended at 6pm, but after a light meal, you guessed it - I dozed off again!
Then just now, I read something from "My Utmost For His Highness" that went something like this.
"If you seek great things for yourself - God has called me for this and that; you are putting a barrier to God's use of you. As long as you have a personal interest in your own character, or any set ambition, you cannot get through into identification with God's interest. You can only get there by losing for ever any idea of yourself and by letting God take you right out into His purpose for the world, and because your goings are of the Lord, you can never understand your ways."
To me, it was a mega sign. But nothing quite prepared me for the next section.
"When I stop telling God what I want, He can catch me up for what He wants without let or hindrance...He simply asks me to have implicit faith in Himself and in His goodness. I have a 'world within the world' in which I live, and God will never be able to get me outside it because I am afraid of being frost-bitten."Didn't I tell you it was a sign?
This is not something I do not know up in my brain. It is just that it is so much easier said than done. And it has been said so many times I think those words have lost its effect on me.
I think I am going to fail. God is going to do whatever it takes to force this control freak to relinquish control over his damned life.
And I will flop sleeping at that. Beat that. Bah!
1 comment:
Bro...I can somehow understand how you feel, even though we are in two diff situations. Just got to leave it to Him, and commit yourself wholeheartedly to His power. He'll work wonders for you.
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