Of Domineering Moms and Different Sons

Adrian Ng belongs to a very unusual and elusive group of friends I have.

Despite only really knowing him for 6 months now, he remains one of the few guy friends I have who I can truly "connect" with. So much so that somehow or rather, it feels as though I have known him for ages.

But feelings can be deceptive, because I know there is so much I still do not know about him. It is for this reason that I am constantly amazed with every new thing I find out about him.

And I always used to wonder about this old-friend thing we have between us.

Recently, I suddenly realised that it may have a lot got to do with our mothers.

No, our mothers are not related. But they are of the same domineering character. But as far as similarities between our lives go, it pretty much ends there.

Because as one of the songs on Falling Spinning went, it is like "two roads diverged, in the middle of a road."

Quite simply, I realised that how Adrian handles his mother differs drastically from the way I handle tryannical mothers who do not respect their children's personal space and boundaries.

While Adrian made a conscious attempt to honour his mother because he wanted to adhere to the letter and the spirit of the Biblical teaching, I chose to circumvent and rationalise my way through.

"But the Bible does not say to honour our parents when they are taking us away from God," I used to think.

As I gradually came to find out the extent of Adrian's filial-ness and resolve to be subservient to his mother, I was reminded how I have out-yelled my mother into submission over the years.

I remember times where I would not only outwit her, but also grabbed her cane and broke it into two and out yell her - the whole neighbourhood would be reverberating with our voices past midnight on many occasions.

In fact there was a point in time I hated my mother so much that I told her that "I hate myself so much because I see so much of you in me."

But army changed all of that.

Being mostly away from home in my first year in army was tough - especially how physically demanding it was for me in SISPEC and then mentally and emotionally draining in OCS.

I still remembered that Saturday night, when I was running a fever after coming back from a field camp during the week in SISPEC. She was sitting by my bed and sponging my head.

That night, for the first time in my life, Mom became my listening ear as I whined about how I have been unfairly victimised in the whole politics of the situation in SISPEC Echo and then OCS Bravo.

And as I hit 21, I began to see my mother as a human being with all her shortcomings. She was no longer the mother, she was Mom and human as well.

As I look back, I regret not listening to her advice not to be so involved in ECA is secondary school and studying harder.

I regret not resolving to being a better testimony to Mom by honouring her like Adrian has been doing, especially since she has been backslided as a Christian since her late teens.

In another one of our fights about my alleged over-involvement in church a few years ago, she denounced God in front of me and said that God "has eyes" and "wouldn't send good people who do good to hell."

I told her that this was not possible, but we never know since God's mercy is something that we cannot possibly fully fathom.

"If I go to hell, so be it. But at least I know I have done my duty," she said.

Things are so much better now. We still yell at each other for old time's sake, but I think she is now more worried that I skip meals so that I can save money.

She keeps telling me that our financial situation is okay despite dad earning so much lesser now. And she keeps asking me if my pocket money is enough when I volunteer to reduce my allowance.

Because fundamentally, it's not a matter of whether it is enough for me, but whether she can afford to give me that much. I will just have to cut accordingly.

I feel bad taking money from her after living on my own for the two years or so I was in the army. Part of why I wanted so badly to go to OCS and be an officer was to gain some form of financial independence.

I guess I will never know how things would have turned out if I had chosen not to exert myself and honour Mom when I was younger.

Between Adrian and myself, I guess it had a lot to do with our different characters as well. As Gabriel observed, Adrian does "live in a totally different level altogether" and that is also something "that we all love him for."

When I found out Friday that Adrian had changed his mind and decided not to go for VCF Anntic Camp in December this year, I was not too happy, but I instinctively knew why.

I could never never understand how and why Adrian would allow himself to be controlled by the emotional blackmail that his mother has subjected him to all this while.

He was asking for permission, but she apparently agreed after giving him more than a earful of niam-niam-niam. But Adrian still decided not to go.

I guess he decided not to go because he has yet to tell her about 2 other camps he is scheduled to attend in December - I can totally imagine how she would flip when she finds out how the MEET camp is not over Christmas and that the campsite is a "secret."

Adrian is a year older than me, not 4 years old for goodness sake. Like I told him, if I ever get to see his mother, I will confirm argue with her until she has a heart attack on the spot.

I guess I should be thankful for my mother because while she is domineering, she is no where as tyrannical as Adrian's.

And I mean I am sure Adrian is not as perfect as I made him out to be - I am so sure he has had his fair share of horror stories that I still haven't and may never get to hear about.

But if Adrian still manages to cope and elect to give up his rights, I do not think I have any room for any more excuses anymore.