Dreams and Hopes of A Future

Listening to Jay Chou's latest album pretentiously named November Chopin, I was somehow reminded of the many things I had wanted to do/be previously.

And it suddenly occurred to me that I may only be doing what I am doing because everything else failed. Not too far from being akin to being reduced to the lowest common denominator.

I really wanted to be just like Jay Chou - on stage, the centre of everybody's attention, in nice expensive garb and shoes and acting all seh on stage.

Superficial yeah. But I guess there is a superficial part to everyone.

For me, it has fundamentally got to do with something that I have been telling myself to do - give myself until 30-35 years old to travel the world and do something "fun" for a living before I finally settle down into groove.

A few years ago, I was prepared to go to London after I graduate, to pursue an acting career. I was ready to survive on bread and water for my craft.

Then after I got myself reacquainted with acting and gotten wind of how "complicated" the local acting industry is like, I decided that it was not going to be worth my while.

I was disappointed to find out that it is next to impossible for an Asian like me to ever make it big on the international stage since we are all going to be typecasted in a way or another.

Surely there must be something that could help me reach for the stars, I reckoned.

And then singing came into the picture. Singapore Idol, a whole slew of failed auditions at a few lesser singing competitions later and a half-hearted attempt at a makeover later, I realised that while I like and maybe could carry a tune more than decently, making it big as a commercial artiste is as much about looks as your ability to sing.

And being the plain dude with a super big head for a short person, that was a no go. It took me a long while to get over my elimination from Singapore Idol when I found out people who could not sing got past the first round, but at the end of it, it finally transpired that I was looking for a worldy affirmation of my ability to sing which I did not quite need.

I still harbour hopes of fronting a live 5-piece band, but that is currently taking a back seat.

And if I cannot join them, I could report about them, I thought.

So journalism came through. But from wanting to write iffy stuff like book, music or movie reviews; after a short stint in the newsroom, I realised that my inherent sense of justice was just being bottled out. I needed a platform to do more serious journalism.

Not being able to go overseas for a solid journalism college education, I hope to be able to go to Columbia or Northwestern University in the states to do post-graduate studies in journalism.

But even before that, I thought I wanted to work among young people as a teacher. I did a 3-month stint at my old secondary school and I thoroughly enjoyed my time there. But while teaching is something I maintain I will eventually go back at some point in my life, it is not something I probably would go into immediately upon graduation.

I still remembered as a kid, all I wanted to do was to pilot aeroplanes. I would spend hours at end seeing aeroplanes take off and land at the airport viewing gallery. I bought model aeroplanes, I even created my own airport from my Lego set at home.

But all those dreams came to naught when I failed to get past the air force flying aptitude test. Plus I realised that the life of a pilot is a very mind numbing one.

Then inspired by the television series, ER, I wanted to be a doctor for the longest while yet. I even mugged so hard for science in secondary 2 for it. But when I could not make it to the one and only biology class in secondary 3, my ambition since I was 8 came crashing down.

More recently, associate professor Henry Yeung had the dubious distinction of being the catalyst that busted my intention to major in geography - something I have always wanted to do since that medical dream was busted.

While I am thankful that I more than gave it enough thought in the whole decision-making process, it still doesn't fail to amaze me that all it took was just three months to dismantle something I thought I wanted to do for the last 8 years of my life.

I was so upset I even wrote an entire entry on that.

I think I want to do too many things for my own good.

Heck, on hindsight, I think maybe the desire is not genuine since there is always more than one thing I wanted to do at any point in time.

I want too much. Too much control over my life for my own good.