Remembering My Allegiance

I should have not launched into another clementation session just now. While it used to be carthartic, I think launching into another whinish verbatim did me more harm than good.

Talking about my cell, on top of the bad day that continued from yesterday, was just perhaps too much for me to take.

I walked home from Central for once. I needed to be alone, simmer down and recollect my thoughts in the cold, gushing night breeze.

When you go through a period where everything goes wrong, it's always very tempting to think about every other thing that is not exactly ideal in your life and indulge in self-pity.

I've come to realise that it's not too good to do that since it would magnify any negative things beyond what it should be taken as. Basically, your perspective is all distorted when you launch into self-pity - which I seem to relish excessively in.

Taken separately, the events of the last 2 days would have ordinarily not bothered me that much because they all happened at some point in the last 2 months on an individual basis.

Like my missed story scoop, for example. It's a story, not a matter of life and death. If I miss out on one again, there're always more to come. Plus I think we need to realise that I am an utter rookie here. I am not churning out excuses for myself here, but fact remains the guy who beat me to the scoop is a relatively experienced journalist.

Like my messed up interview this morning. I was incoherent, going all over the place and not being focused. I went into the room knowing what I have to do, but somehow I just couldn't do it. Maybe my heart and mind wasn't exactly there, but whatever it is, I am out of the running. But it's ok, it's not the end of the world. Just means I miss out on a hundred bucks a month.

Like my cell. It has been talked about so many times before, but today, I just had to repeat the story when I had drinks with the NUS gang. Not that I don't trust them, but on hindsight, I should have shut up or tampered my sharing. Because I already know what I need to do about the whole situation, so sharing in the manner I did just now was inappropriate. I just need to deal with it and stop whining.

Like the AP affair. Why did I panic so badly yesterday? He may have characteristically jumped the gun, but if God allowed this to happen and if it is His will that I do my journalism thing when I graduate, then He will make a way when there seems to be no way.

I should just talk about my life to less people, because when I talk to more people, my problem seems to get worse when it actually isn't.

I am not really devastated about any of the matters above, I am just peeved that everything happened in a space of a few days - leaving me to wonder what might have been if I had scheduled the interview for later or chosen to first run a straight news story first or just hung out and shut up with the NUS gang just now.

And the Phuket trip is gone. I hope the Bangkok one is still on.