it all begins with a single step

it is only after the initial excitement has died down that one begins to see the facts and the reality of the situation. i was just taking a break over dinner just now and i was just thinking of my major problem and it suddenly dawned upon me that what excited me about the revamped communications and new media programme in nus is actually just the media writing modules that are being introduced in the next academic year.

remembering what the department head told me in her email that the major is a communications management major and not a communications one, it suddenly dawned upon me that things could potentially fall seriously short of what i am expecting it to be if i so decide to take it up eventually.

in a nutshell, that means only 2 media writing modules, which i can take up under my electives. which means i have to give up my english minor. at this point in time, after my C+ for my literature paper and feeling very short changed by the literature department that despite maintaining a standard department style sheet, not all lecturers adhere to it; i think giving up my english minor is not an issue. besides, i highly doubt i want to subject myself to another semester of pain doing that one more linguistics module to fulfill the minor requirements.

but the minor represents my other arguably greater concern about teaching as an option. the other being journalism. i would love to think that journalism is my first option and teaching second, but i have been nursing a niggling doubt at the back of my head for the last 5 years that this may not be the case.

all along, i have been struggling between these 2 professions. while i like to write and do my current affairs stuff, my 3-month stinct as a relief teacher while waiting to enlist in 2002 showed me how much i liked the job and honestly, my ability to handle it. although i came back at 9pm everyday exhausted, and how i went back on a few sundays to finish the marking becasue i refused to bring work home, and i was very pissed with the kids for not trying hard enough, i guess i felt so emotional about it because it meant a lot to me. i was bothered because it mattered to me.

and so herein lies my dilemma. my original dilemma - the toss-up between sociology and political science. i just checked out the moe website which stipulates that sociology graduates get to teach only in primary schools and that political science majors get to do history in secondary schools.

but the website also goes on to say that honours graduates will be trained to teach in junior colleges? so what if i get my second upper honours degree in sociology? will i still be eligible to teach in secondary schools or junior colleges?

after all, i am still sticking around in heartbeat youth because i sense this age group to be my calling. besides, the primary school kids will probably literally run circles all around me, and i will probably make them cry with my methods.

and in all honesty, the past academic year has all about being told by God to let go, to just relinquish that sense of control over my life and yield - in musical speak, it's to stop spinning and fall. to be free of myself. it was manifested in my earlier decision to abandon the idea of taking up geography. and now increasingly, the english minor as well.

joanne told me a few weeks ago that not all economics majors enjoy what they are doing, it's just that they have a higher threshold for pain. i seriously don't think i have that high a threshold for pain - not even for political science.

because quite honestly, this past semester, i realised the things i am learning and reading about on ps1101e are things that are basically good to know. but beyond that, preparing to take the exam in a week's time has been a super exhausting experience not only because of the scope, but how much they break down the whole nature of politics that to me, borders on the anal. besides, for someone like me who detests the everyday politicking, studying politics becomes akin to accepting the status quo.

while political science may seem like the obvious option since it grounds me with something more "substantial' as a journalist and gives me the option to teach in a secondary school, i am inclined to think that what may seem obvious may not be the path to take.

maybe sida and jian ming are right to say that it's doesn't really matter what i study because it's only an arts degree, what matters more is that i enjoy what i read and do.

so maybe taking a sociology major is the way to go. so is taking the media writing modules as electives. and giving up my english minor as well.

and as joel reminded me a couple of days ago,"the path not travelled will never be known/we simply reap what we sow."

and yes, for those of you rolling your eyes in infinite wonder, i am not de-musicalized yet. but no worries, i am not worried about how the musical is becoming reality in some parts of my life. somehow or rather, i sense this peace that transcends all understanding. a peace knowing that i am safe in His hands.

i have 3 months after my exams finish on 3 may to pray and think about it still. but i guess today's breakthrough is just a ringing reminder that "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

ha! sorry, i couldn't resist it.