why do i want to do well so much?

since starting school again last august, academic excellence was something i always wanted to achieve. i came in with a target of obtaining a second upper honours degree. and as a result, i drove myself to the grave many times over my first semester back and when my results for the first semester were less than what i expected them to be, it took me a while before i got over it.

funnily enough, i have never really paused to think about the reason(s) why i want good grades.

paul seah was just sharing at the weekly vcf sunset prayer about examining our hearts and motivations in the things we are doing. he was referring to the musical we were putting up collectively as vcf, but personally, it went much deeper.

i thought about why i really wanted to ensure my CAP score gets pulled up to at least 4.0 by this semester. i thought about why i want to secure a journalism internship this summer vacation.

then i remembered how i am so busy now because back in august, i decided i had to have some form of experience working on a publication and decided to edit geosphere. and the subsequent pain it is causing me now.

then it hit me.

i want to do well because i want to give my mother something tangible result to hold on to for the time and effort she has invested in me. i wanted to prove to myself that i can finally achieve something after apparently screwing up at the O levels and on a smaller scale, the A levels. i wanted the journalism internship because i wanted to become a journalist and it would help me get there easier when i graduate in 3 years time. and because i wanted all these things, i tried and did everything on my own strength.

where was GOD in all of these?

i have always heard people around me saying -- to do well, i have to trust God more. pray more. put God in the middle of everything. but i never really gotten round to understanding what exactly this entailed. perhaps until now that is.

i am only beginning to understand that as a christian, while aspiring for good grades is not wrong, aspiring for good results for the wrong reasons would be a futile chase.

as with all aspects of our lives, God has got to be everything. i realised i had to understand that i must want to do well in school to glorify Him. that while the Bible does instruct us to be excellent in the things that we do, we have to be mindful why we are being excellent. who we are being excellent for.

why do i then want to be excellent in my academic endeavours for Him for?

being so busy with other things outside of my basic academic responsibilities this semester has made things quite tough for me. i realised that i'm not working as much or as hard as i think i should be. i just submitted my first paper this semester yesterday, but i stayed up the whole night to finish it. and last minute work is not exactly the best way to go about things. i was reminded of the feverish rush for deadlines that i so dreaded last semester and the four-day fever i had.

can i honestly say i am doing all these things for Him?

i really want to badly pull my CAP score up. i need to maintain a second upper class to get to where i want to be doing. but i guess there're more important things.

like listening to what God wants for me.

i mean if He wants me to write for the papers, He would make a way where there seems to be no way. i don't really have to get second upper class and to ensure that everything fall into place. this is of course not to say that i don't have to do anything, but i think it's a call for me to just not be so flustered and to do what i can to the best of my ability.

doing my best in my academics is just one way i can give the glory back to God. He brought me here via quite a long and extended route not for me to fail. i guess i still don't have it within me to say for certain why i desire good grades so badly, but at least i got started on the process of understanding that and correcting it.

i am gratified to know that i have a divine and holy "well" waiting for me to tap into. and unless i do so, the best is yet to be.