that lost vision

it all started when jimmy reminded me of the monthly youth leaders meeting this morning. scheduled for 7pm this evening, i had totally forgotten about it. i had planned to spend the whole thursday evening mugging, because i haven't done any studying this week.

the last few nights have been spent out for a variety of reasons. plus there're rehearsals friday and saturday. plus there's worship practice saturday afternoon after rehearsal. and i can't leave everything to the meagre mid-term reading break. i had contemplated not going. but after dinner at arts canteen, i decided i should just go -- otherwise my conscience would just kill me, and i would not be able to study in peace anyway.

and God basically just continued from where He left off at tuesday's fellowship teaching.

through the words of abigail, the first thing He thundered into my fatigued being was this -- have you lost your vision of what and who I am?

i have been feeling rather deflated, but more importantly defeated serving on heartbeat lately. my physical fatigue merely accentuating my emotional, spiritual and mental fatigue from having to deal with arguably sideline issues in the ministry, plus all the things i am doing in school in vcf and geographical society -- and trying to cope with studying.

the words of the prophet isaiah in chapter 40, verses 10 resounds "..the sovereign Lord comes with power and His arm rules for him." reading through to verse 28, "do you not know? have you not heard? the Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom."

yet with a rebuke, God assures in verse 29 that "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

yet i am reminded that God uses empty vessels. things may have gone too well and the vessels are full. recent events could have been one such instance of "emptying" the vessels of pride, of excesses so that we may be empty vessels again.

abigail was just expounding on oswald sanders' spiritual leadership. she didn't exactly go word by word as in the readings, but she helped us to find meaning in those words.

she next talked about the power of His word in relation to our role as cell leaders.

she reminded that the central thrust of the whole notion of cell groups is the word of God. it's something so obvious, yet something so easily forgotten. when was the last time i truly rejoiced at preparing the word?

yet i was reminded that we can only lead transformed lives when connected the the vines of God. cell group in church is not merely a support group -- support groups can be found all over the place -- but one that is anchored in God's word. yet this whole centrality about the word of God is not mere Bible Study, but an encounter with the word of God.

isaiah chapter 40 verses 6 through 8 tells of the fallibility of man. verse 8 reminds that "The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever."

john chapter 6, verse 63 reiterates that 'it is the spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing, the words that i speak to you are spirit, and they are life."

but an encounter with the word of God is only possible with depth in our own "word life" -- how much time we spend mulling over God's word each day of our lives. because for a cell leader to ensure that the triple purpose of cell group of discipleship, fellowship and accountability to be realised, the mechanics of it all basically boil down to just the leader's relationship with God. my relationship with God. how well do i know His word?

because a vision can only be communicated if we believe. and faith is an action. action in the form of a good knowledge of God's word. because there is a difference between God's counsel and human counsel when we speak to our cell members. and the former can only be achieved through leaders if we are close to the Lord.

have i been doing just that? and if not, have i lost sight of my perspective as a christian -- the perspective of eternity?

2 peter 3:10-13 is a massive bombshell.

our time on earth is but a parenthetical existence in the whole scheme of eternity. it is akin to how singapore is but in the words of the ex-indonesian president b.j habibie, "a red spot" in the world. if our time on earth may be placed in a continuous circle, then it won't be more than a blip on the circumference.

plans are dreams are ok. but the ambition must be to glorify God -- in the words of saunders, "honourable ambition." having a low profile heart may not necessarily equate to a low profile goal. then the inevitable question -- why is doing well in school so important to me?

why is pulling up your CAP score to a second upper honours level so important to me?

am i crazy to give up eternity for a blip on the radar screen that is the world?

in revelations chapter 22 verse 12 and 13, God tells me that when He has a reward for each of us if only we would have a perspective of eternity and "seek ye first the kingdom of God." he warns further in rev 21:23-27 that "nothing impure will ever enter it, nor will anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful; But only those whose names are written in the Lamb's book of life."

have i allowed my fear of man govern how i place God in my lives? have you?

God has reminded me that taking too many things have accounted for my state of busy-ness. things of the world are taking centre stage because i have inevitably taken on more than what i can handle.

but God assures me i need not lament.

He tells me not to look at former things, but to look to the present and eternity. that if i haven't been doing the things i resolved or should be doing, then to spend time with God now. because He is the spring that i should tap. He is my sole provider. doing well in anything should start with Him and end with Him.

God reminds that not everyone is called to the missions field. some are called to the marketplace. but wherever we may be called to, mark 10:43-44 reminds that "whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all."

to lead a cell, perhaps the most important thing is to be a good follower of God. to make disciples of man, we must first be a good disciple of God.

and as if finishing off what He wanted to address in me, through the words of abigail, he reminded me that it is better to talk to God about people, than to talk to people about people.

God was calling me to renew my vision in Him. to take heed. to try again. and to start a process of dialogue and not to give up. because it's eternity we are talking about. and if He didn't give up on me, what gives me the right to give up?

throughout the evening, i teared and trembled because God was so near and so real. He actually heard all those whinings and complaints when i talked to Him when i was near despair. i don't even think i committed to prayer every single thing. but He answered in His usual gentle rebuk-ish manner.

God basically flared up at me today. and i am glad i made the decision to make the trip down to church and deny what human nature told me to do. it's a process that started during vcf care group meeting 2 mondays ago.

i have gone through some moments and did a lot of things that i should not have been doing because i lost that vision for God. which really resonates with what james asked me on msn the last few nights -- if i ever write a book about the singular thing God placed me on earth for, what would it be about?

i am going to take some time to dwell upon these words. because i am going to have to really do something about it this time. rediscovering God's vision for my life.

just as my musical character ethan realises towards the end of the musical that he did not have to bear the weight of his broken-ness alone. that he had to stop spinning, but to fall -- to fall into the grace of God, knowing that He will "catch" us whatever the situation is. we simply have to walk the talk, and trust.

i don't have to get used to walking broken. i don't have to learn to live with the pain of not quite reaching up.

i just have to look up.