method acting

i think i will never fully understand why people choose to numb their senses by means of alcohol. jian ming was just talking about how people go to clubs to drown themselves in alcohol. that everything at a club is about numbing the mind - the excessively loud music blasts your ears and hearing, the alcohol makes you lose all self inhibition, and the repetitive beat you gyrate to - makes it for a potent combination. it lasts for only a few hours and is only escapism at best - because after that, you are plagued by the terrible headache and the vacillation between consciousness, semi-consciousness and unconsciousness that consumes your being for quite a long while.

the feeling is horrible. and how i hated it.

the food at mark's 21st last night was excellent. roasted lamb, roasted pork knuckles, pasta, baked salmon and auntie bernice's unique garden salad combination of lettuce with grapes and cucumber. nice.

ah. and how can i forget about the chips dip she experimented for the first time yesterday. it wasn't the ordinary dip which you get quite sick of after a while. it contained freshly diced tomatoes with some herbs that made it taste so fresh.

the company was great too. i guess if i had controlled my intake of alcohol a bit more, it would have been more fun with the people. in the end, i was all wasted by 3am.

i don't even know if i qualified as "drunk" at all, because i was in control of my senses. i still could remember what i said or did. what happened was that alcohol liberated me and i was doing things more animately. way more animately.

it's only the second time in my life i am feeling so horrible after alcohol and the first time was at my bravo wing's happy hour at tiger tavern. i felt so horrible. the guilt killed me. i called mom to apologize for being drunk when i was drunk.

but i remember feeling like shit. my head was so heavy. and it was the same yesterday. but i guess this time round it's slightly different because what is making me a bit worried now is how i don't feel complete guilt the last time round - it's a strange mix of guilt and non-guilt this time round.

i guess if i really wanted to justify my actions, i could say i think i really needed to chill out last night. it has been a really difficult second semester. and it really doesn't matter - i mean, this is only my second time in my life. but is it just all that?

strangely all i connected to all this while was the play i am doing. somehow or rather, all these notions associated with the hedonistic lifestyle that i struggled without much resolution when i was in army were revisited.

i remember those days when i was stil an officer cadet. i would hit the clubs quite regularly. somehow with the help of alcohol, closing my eyes and just letting loose to the house music blasting through my ears helped me relax and achieve some form of mental equilibrium after a long and usually bad week in camp. i had fun and had so much problem reconciling with my conscience that it was something bad.

then i realised that it was not what clubbing is that made it bad. but the lifestyle that is associated with clubbing culture that does. i guess why one goes to these places also matters. i don't go for the girls or for the alcohol, so i guess that made it difficult for me to decide to stop.

but overtime, the novelty of clubbing wore out as i finished ocs and subsequently finished my army stinct. the last time i was there, my ears felt blasted. i don't remember feeling that way previously. when i go there now, i get kindda sian quicker than before and the desire to be on the dancefloor just lost its allure. i still go once in a blue moon with friends, but it's not a massive problem as it was before.

but as i fought the after hangover-ish effects the whole of today as i headed out in the morning for filming, i realised i had quite forgotten what it feels like to struggle to choose between God and the world. not that i don't know what's good for me now, but just that i need to get a real sense of it again to play ethan. and strangely, through my folly last night, i now do.

in fact i realised that one of the reasons why other people like to numb themselves by making themselves suffer this type of physical pain is because this pain helps them to forget a greater pain emotionally for a while. it helps them to forget and be merry. it is in an essence, a to-hell-with-tomorrow kind of an attitude towards existence.

and i realised that a major reason why i cannot take this kind of self inflicted pain is that i cannot stand not being connected to my senses and the reality. i may escape sometimes, but usually things have a way of catching up with me real quick. my conscience will never fail to prick me. my inert sense of justice will just act up. it goes into overdrive most times. and most times, i find myself wishing most times i could be less uptight.

it was fun last night. but i think subconsciously i think i allowed myself to do what i did because i may be too much of a method actor than i care to think i am. i just hope i don't lost myself to the hyper reality that is the stage.