the swollen hand diaries

i woke up this morning to find both my hands swollen and puffed up. i didn't realise that it could be a case of an allergy i may have developed towards alcohol after staying away from it for the whole of 2004. but it was a reminder of what God brought me through and revealed to me in my first night out in a long while.

they were there in their full glory. the mambo brigade on the podium on the zouk dance floor on mambo wednesday. it was really hilarious seeing them perform their synchronised dance moves to retro hits. people whom i recognise in school as being studious people shocked me by coming totally alive on the dance floor -- where the closet mambo king in them emerged to see the day.

i went to zouk yesterday for the first time in nearly six months for a variety of reasons. it was mid term break and i thought some fun with friends wouldn't hurt. but at the back of my mind, i was more there to kindda reaquaint myself with that God-vs-the world thing i had not too long ago when i was an army dude.

i have been struggling to draw on my reserves to play ethan and i have found that to be so difficult to emote something that i have no idea or have simply forgotten about. when i was still in ocs especially, zouk represented some kind of carthartic relief. but i would always remember being torn between deciding between the secular world zouk represented and God. for a while, i put that at the back of my mind -- i just needed instant relief. but over time, rejecting God didn't become an option i had.

last night, however, while i went to zouk as ethan, i came out at the end of the night as clement.

i happened to talk to some younger people outside zouk who were quite drunk and quite high. when i told one of them i wasn't a chronic clubber and why i was there for, he told me that there was only 3 things about clubbing -- girls, alcohol and money.

my heart sank as he articulated his worldly wisdom in full alcohol-induced animated candour.

even as i was still somewhat groggy from my first ever flaming lamborgini, i sensed God prompting me to talk to him more about Him - but to meet him where he was and to be nice and casual about it. to show practical love - if he needed someone to support him because he was drunk, then to just support him.

i didn't do much yesterday night, but at that point in time, i knew that the whole method acting research thing had to take a back seat for a while.

i went back after chilling out a while. and while i tried closing my eyes and groove to the relatively bad mambo music, that feeling of self imposed inhibition i used to feel came back.

you see, dancing on the dance floor in a club always carries some kind of sensual undertones. last night, as i relived past moments when i always shyed away from dirty dancing and chose to be the quientessential loner loser dancer, i understood once again why i had to struggle to do edifying things. i could do as most of the world does, boogie up to some girl and pass it off as nothing; or stand by the side, being by myself.

i recalled the last time i was so besotted with a girl i treated her like a princess the whole night - alone on the dance floor with her, plus the occasional drink. but crucially i still didn't do the whole dancing thing with her, and eventually i passed up the chance of getting her number.

for a while last night, i felt so schizo. for a moment, i felt i should let ethan do his thing. but clement reminded me that this is only acting - i have already achieved what i came here for, so stop at that. don't give myself anymore excuses to behave badly.

in the end, i did my normal thing and danced alone. it was carthartic in itself. for once, i didn't feel like i was missing out on anything. i was actually happy and glad i didn't let anybody down, not least the most mighty of them all.

choosing to go onto this musical is God's way of taking me through the corridor of my past and showing me what has already been resolved and what needs to be resolved. yesterday night, i realised that although my preoccupation with clubbing hasn't been intellectually settled within me, somehow that phase has died a natural death in me - and as such, there was no need for me to kill myself over my lack of intellectual conviction.

yet with a realisation came another revelation of God's heart for His people. with great power comes great responsibility.

indeed.