giving something i do not have

talking to kelvin, i suddenly realised that maybe the reason why i don't have it within me to disciple somebody in its essence simply because i never really had a mentor to meet up with on a weekly basis.

because quite simply -- though you may comment that it is not on my strength but by His that i rely on. and when He appoints, He annoints -- you cannot bring someone to a place you haven't been to before. you cannot tell someone of His wonderful grace if you haven't experienced it for yourself.

i mean i do have ailing and kelvin to talk to about things. shawn's officially my mentor, but he has been away in the states for the last few years and will only be back in another 2. he calls me once in a while and we email each other. when he comes back, we do spend some time together and we catch up. and there's always morgan. to throw questions at me and make me think and come to terms with things i have been trying to escape from. but i know it's not the same.

and i think i have been coping ok i reckon. i mean it would be easier if i had someone to hold me accountable each and every other week, to show me the way to a greater relationship with the Maker. but it's so difficult finding the right person. kelvin tells me not to rush. i reckon that to be true. but meanwhile, the extra effort that is required from me will make me cherish God so much more. because it is through so much that i learnt so much about God and of Him.

it came to a boil especially the last week when i realised that i may have been too harsh and suffocating on andrew. and ben. and every one around me. esp andrew and ben. i really wonder if i have made a mistake whose effects are too profound for me to do any damage control.