what does it take?

this week in church has been pretty unsettling. for the first time in a month, i could not seem to be absorbing the sermon. it's about the Holy Spirit. it was the same thing during cell. i found it quite surprising that i could not concentrate. i could not understand. i could not follow the train of thought.

then there is the saturday evening service. think it was my first time there. never quite felt i 'belonged' to the adult services. saturday was no different. i felt so stifled. as i saw people got confirmed, i thought -- is it right for me to be confirmed if my committment to this church is not yet firm? i have always felt that my perception of God and how i express my love for God is not exactly 'conservative'. i like to feel free in His presence. i just couldn't in the adult services. which made me think. where do i go after in the future. surely youth would be a phase in my life. where to after that. and now that i am still trying to seek His will for me. it's quite an issue for me right now.

thing is. what 'complicates' -- or 'simplify', depending on how you look at it, is that God has explicitly told me to remain 'loyal' to my mentors. to the people and environment that has provided me with my needs. God addressed this in a sermon at fcbc when i went there for the first time with the intention to switch church. i am so torn. i want to grow. but i do not see my needs being met here. i feel too 'old' for the youth minstry where the new faces disorient me.

but it does occur to me that this is being all too selfish.

just because i cannot lift myself above my current situation right now does not give me the right to leave just because my needs are not met. since God told me to stay, He will provide. i just need to trust and obey. what makes me think i am too 'old' when people like ailing and siew lin are still around. people have mentored me. now it's time for me to step up. maybe not now like right now. but maybe later when i am more secure in the fact that i have resolved some issues first. but at the same time, i know it's not like an absolute abstaining from 'mentoring' duties. subconsciously, as i am being around younger people, i am 'mentoring' them already. it's just the conscious teaching that i try not to do so much now. coz i am not too sure myself. i just do what is within my means first. after all, i cannot bring people to a place where i have not been to myself.

does it also mean that not being able to feel free in adult service means i am still bloody immature? still not grown up yet child-like at the same time? does not fitting into NUS cell means that i am not 'big' enough? it's not nice feeling so lost. but i guess it's good that i am in the know and am committing it to God. just pray i will be patient and not lose focus.