virtual insanity

i am so torn. am i over reacting again? it sucks knowing i erred on the side of fury again. but this time it's different. i know i definitely have a case. but it's a classic case of deja vu?

on one hand, it is a trivial matter. but then it's all these trivial matters that would accumulate and matter in the long run. but then again, if our friendship was real. it would be mature enough to withstand these hiccups. besides, anger and resentment aren't exactly the most healthy sentiments to bear.

on the other, i really have had enough. sticking to the old scheme of things would be the convenient way out. someone suggested not taking it so seriously. just be normal friends. but really. i am not like that. i make friends based on my affinity i feel with them. if i classify you a close friend in my psychological domain, you will continue to be so until i decide otherwise. when that happens, only the opposite can result. it's a black or white issue for me. either we remain good, or i choose to stop this hallucination. i only am so paranoid for a select bunch of people. why can't people understand? one thing is for sure, things will never be the same again.

i told myself i won't bother myself with it. but i was so wrong. i was so pre-occupied. although i was earlier than usual -- i arrived just when sermon started -- i found my mind wondering. i just could not focus on what ailing was talking about missions. it was so weird. i could not spell it out loud. someone told me the fact that i am so bothered shows that i still cared. i thought -- i mean, i have been bothering about this for the last few years of my life. it's like i have gotten used to it. it's like a way of life. isn't this what God had intended? for friendships and relationships. for a community around you?

my head continues to pound with the migraine that plagued me since i woke up. today i realised that this is a new hybrid of migraine pain. this time it squeezes the life out of me at my temples. it's killing me softly with its song.