painful tears

does tears that come all too easily mean that they are any less in value? i dunno if there is anything wrong with me of late. i just got off watching the channel eight show on sick children and i found myself tearing at numerous instants. what on earth is wrong with me?

and yesterday. the more i thought about it. i actually teared while i was committing it to prayer. it was about the first time i committed this friendship of mine into His divine hands. i asked Him what is going on and how He wants me to react. i counted the number of sorry's i heard from people around me yesterday, not just them. it numbered ten. i counted the number of apologies i said yesterday. none. i yelled. indignant.

had lunch with my cell people. andrea, pris and jen. sisters in christ whom i am always rely on. they told me to talk it out. but guys are different from u girls i told them. guys don't talk. guys just forget about things or they just don't care. they shrugged their shoulders. somehow females just have it within them to empathize so much more. i have really neglected the importance of lunching with my cell mates. coz i realized i do not really know them as well as i am suppose to. i only know weikang quite well come to think of it. and becks. ailing and shawn have always been there for me as mentors. feels really good to eat with them. what's more. they are people who don't splurge every week. so i save a lot of money on food. as opposed to lunching extravagantly every week.

ringo told me about worship leading course. she asks me if i was still interested. i said yeah, but i am not ready yet. and i don't know when will i ever. she said not to worry, coz justin would help me determine whether i feel ready or not. i am plunging into the unknown. and what a day to do it. today's been pretty hazy. everybody's preoccupied with their own lives, i feel like a non-entity.

those times when i went to watch a movie alone. on the pretext of needing to have time alone. was really a frustrated manifestation of my pathetic state of being. i know so many people. but hardly any are friends whom i can truly call upon. i feel so insipid watching sixth sense alone. the fear i felt. i had to resort to bravado to calm myself down. but i learnt to fend for myself. i can be alone. i won't die. coz i still have God no matter what. think brian is right. i know too many people.