On one of those Judging Amy reruns a few days ago, Judge Amy's mom told her that her pain is from trying to hold on to something she should be letting go.
By God's grace, I have been selected to represent the university on a two-week summer exchange conference to Virginia in July -- with all expenses paid.
Right now, there's another conference opportunity to Stanford in May, studying multiculturalism with one of my favourite sociology professors.
I am not even sure about applying because that clashes with two other things -- my still-pending internship application to Associated Press, and my exco committments with the Varsity Christian Fellowship.
The newly-minted bureau chief is actually also the chief for Malaysia and Brunei. He has just been assigned to Singapore as well, so he will let me know when he swings by town later this month. I suspect I would only be able to start there, if at all, late May -- when the tenure of their current intern ends.
Which still leaves my first part of May "free" -- except that VCF AGM, where the new exco is elected, is on May 7 and exco retreat is from May 9-12. I have been told I have to be there for the retreat because that's when handing over is done, and we plan for the new year.
I don't doubt that is important, but should I give the chance to study multiculturalism in a comparative Singapore-American context at Stanford/UC Berkeley a miss because of that?
While it seems absurd to give up this elusive opportunity for a 4-day VCF exco planning meeting, not running for exco just because I cannot attend this meeting, and for the two-week stint in the the Bay area in California seems equally absurd as well.
Must this be even framed in an either-or situation, with VCF and the summer conference on the other?
I have friends telling me that "I should know what to do" given that I have accepted the nomination for the evangelism and social action coordinator position last week. Other have told me that since the decision to run came first, I should not think of the Stanford one since it came later.
I also had folks telling me not to chase after "all these foreign thingeys" -- my question to them is why not? These are not just "foreign opportunities at the Ivies" but opportunities for me to broaden my horizons and build on my experience.
After all, this whole multiculturalism conference will enhance my experience with such issues and this would in turn help me refine my perspectives towards issues regarding evangelism and social action -- especially since this summer conference would involve visits to community efforts to foster multicultural relations in the Bay area.
Yes, I don't deny part of the appeal for this summer programme is that it is going to involve seminars at my ultimate dream school -- University of California at Berkeley, but why must my desire to apply for the Californian conference be seen as something that is intrinsically and solely of my private interest?
Why can't people see that what I have benefitted from such an experience can also, will and most likely be used to aid the cause of VCF -- particularly since we are apparently going to fuse social action into the modus operandi of the organisation more next academic year?
Instead so many have been quick to problematise my "vaulting ambition" and all. If I am going to be serving on the VCF exco, I think VCF would have to accept my entire being and not just want one half, and not the other.
Fundamentally, wanting to go for this muticulturalism is borne out of my interest for social advocacy -- just as my desire for wanting to run for the evangelism and social actions coordinator position is a recognition that this position is a platform for me to use what my natural impulses are to serve God.
It's going to be absurd if I have to give up one thing for another in this instance. I think I have gotten "enough" signs from God to go ahead to leave Campus Observer and go on VCF exco next academic year, so I think there's no way I am not running for VCF exco.
In fact, after I reluctantly accepted the nomination, I told God under my breath that since I have stepped out in faith, I am depending on Him to provide competent and able people to take over me.
A few days later, after I went into the news reporting class to give a recruitment pitch, I received an email from somebody I was planning to approach to take over me, indicating his interest to do just that!
I desperately know the importance of being here for the exco meetings because decisions are going to be made -- and that is what I am going on exco for; and I desperately don't want this to be something borne of any rebellious spirit.
But I really wonder what is causing me all this "pain" right now. I might be holding on to something, but I don't know if this is something I should let go off right now.
Maybe this is one of those things that I have to give up when I made that decision to run for the executive committee last week.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
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2 comments:
*pokepoke* you poor boy. i see your brain is working in serious overdrive mode. you've been thinking about sooooo many things.
i know you konw what you need to do. perhaps, it's time to let your brain take a rest and listen to what your heart is saying. Cos that's where God usually speaks to us, esp when our brain's too rational. You've got a really rational brain clem. Nothing wrong. in fact, it's a blessing. perhaps it's good to try going with what feels like its the right thing to do.. and not what you think is what you ought to do.
Whatever it is, God wills you in everything.
what? apply for stanford/berkeley.. especially if its all expenses paid!! You'd have no reason not to go!
hmm... or maybe you can put yourself in your shoes 1 year from now, and think which one you'd regret missing out on ;>
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