Letting Him

On Wednesday, barely two days after I came back from Bangkok, I agreed to go back to Thailand, replacing somebody on a mission trip to Khorat.

And it plunged me immediately into a missions boot camp from Thursday to Saturday this past week, and a GoFest missions conference Wednesday to Friday this coming week. After a week of preparation after that, it's off to Khorat for a week from June 17.

The last three/four days have been a rather exhausting one for me, after not having recovered from the rigours of the adventure I had in Bangkok, but God spoke and put the events of the last fortnight into His perspective.

In a nutshell, God "shook" me to my senses during the boot camp. He was "shaking" me of whatever vestiges of control I still wanted to hold onto, regarding my future.

"Let go and let me, Clement," I heard him encourage me.

"The wallet adventure in Bangkok and your brilliant results this term. Those were just 2 small things I did to remind you that 'Hey, I am still here son,'" he continued.

"I am in control of your future, so do not worry about it. Seriously."

I saw Him smile as He patted me on my head. I wept. I never felt so vulnerable. I was only beginning to realise what it means to die to self. All those years of fatigue of striving came to a head. Once again.

Suddenly it occurred to me that those plans to go into journalism after graduation may have been just the most rational option, and not as of God as I thought they were. Columbia and Northwestern post-graduate journalism schools suddenly seemed like they were what I wanted to do.

No doubt my rejection from the international news wire agency a few weeks back played a big role in getting me to think again. It all started to unravel when I started thinking - what if every door would shut the same way if I apply again when I graduate?

I mean, while I used to tell people I am "working towards" journalism, I tell them I am "not so sure anymore." All I am certain about is that I was too cock sure about being a journalist, and because I was so sure, there was no God in anything at all.

And then, there was something brewing within me with regards to Thailand and student ministry there. I remembered how I almost wanted to give up my place in NUS for Bible School before I enrolled because somebody prophesized over me and told me to "go forth and be the youth pastor I was meant to be."

There were so many things that I could possibly want to do, and so many places I can be at, but there should be only one thing I should ever be doing, and one place I should ever aspire to be at.

And the best thing to do, is to aspire to be at the best place - the centre of God's will.

When you allow yourself to fall into God's will, there is no need to strive so hard. It does not mean I slack off henceforth and do nothing - that's being fatalistic - but it simply means that I subscribe to His plan for me, since He has already gone before me.

Being in God's will does not equate to a placid acceptance of your destiny whatever comes your way. It is about you working as an active partner with God in determining your future. It is about doing your best when you are rowing on a dragon boat, and then letting God do the steering.

I want to let God into my life again, simply because it is really the easier thing to do.

I could still be a journalist, but it's okay if I don't, because either way, as long as I am where He wants me to be at, I am okay with it.