Filling the Vacated 'Denied' Space

Friday evening at church cell group meeting, we talked about denying ourselves and taking up the cross.

We talked about what denying ourselves entailed, and Emm said something about denying ourselves and taking up the cross as being two things that has to go hand in hand - that we have to remember to fill the vacuum that we have created by denying ourselves, with the "taking up the cross" bit.

It hit me really, REALLY hard - it occurred to me that that is the very thing I have been doing since I have unloaded and divested youth ministry in church and all.

It felt like a long while since I have really been at cell. There was no cell last week due to the preparations that needed to be done for church open house last Saturday and I haven't been to church because of the project meetings for the dialogue project presentation to the Harvards who were in town earlier on the Harvard College in Asia Project.

The remaining times I were there I was really just there physically - the shell of my being was there, but my spirit was absent. I was just too tired by the time I got to cell to absorb anything.

Friday night. Although I was rather fatigued, Emm's words thundered into my being. A certain sense of a grand narrative was beginning to take shape in my cognitive realm.

The past 2 weeks have been quite insane, and I don't just mean assignments-wise.

I just got asked to assume a role in VCF. It's quite mega pastoral position and I honestly don't feel up to it. The spectre of my spectacular failure as a cell leader in church and in school the past year was at the foremost of my mind. I still am not sure whether I would be able to not repeat mistakes I made this year, if I do decide to take it up.

Stepped down from active ministry in church. And will be stepping down as small group leader in VCF as well at the end of the year. The last year has simply quite been another "Brunei" episode for me -- except instead of being stuck in the jungles for 5 days, it has been a protracted year-long affair this time round.

My 5 days in the Bruneian jungles in the beginning of 2002 as part of my officer cadet training showed me the inherent and latent beast in me when I get really hungry and desperate. 2005 has been an extension of that, although it was on a not-so-savage basis.

I found out how when push comes to shove, how my single-mindedness and my task-orientedness take over and everything else comes secondary. I get too caught up with my situation, and with getting the thing done and ignore the finer nuances that is expected of somebody in a pseudo-pastoral position.

And so, I was unsure about assuming the position. And it comes at a time when I convinced myself I am not competent to do something like that at this point in time.

And then there is the campus newspaper that I am thinking of setting up. I probably would be executive editor of this fledging effort next year, so that would take up a lot of my time. Factoring in my responsibility as a student which involves tons of studying and essay writing, with the roles as newspaper editor and this role in VCF would definitely be a test on how I cope when crunch time comes.

It's a risk, as Adrian eloquently puts it, but one that is worth taking. After all, how else to better practise the lessons learnt from making mistakes by doing things one more time?

More importantly, how will I take up His cross if I don't do this?

While it's important not to view this as doing yet another thing, as Tham put it, I see this as a formalisation and an institution that would remind me and keep me in check not only about denying myself but also the 'taking up the cross' bit about being a Christian.

Because at the end of the day, choosing God in a place like university is not something very easy and is a decision I have got to make everyday. I really don't know how I would react if that happens again. Doing this may just make me think not just twice, but many more times, about not choosing God in anything. In a sense, although it really shouldn't, for me, it's like a system of checks-and-balances.

There's going to be a counter-point for every point I make, and this ding-dong is manifest in my mind the whole time, 24/7; and quite honestly, thank goodness I don't have the time to be thinking about it ALL the time - because otherwise I would have just been driven crazy.

And there's also the thing about finding somebody to take over my place as cell group leader in VCF in school. So far, nobody has agreed. But somehow there's a certain peace. God will somehow provide. I don't know how, but I know He would - He's so much greater than everything.

In the same way, I think I will just keep pressing in and "walking His way" because at the end of the day, I know the other way is just not worth my while.

It never is worth giving up eternity for our present, parenthetical existence. But I need strength to resist, loads of them in fact.