My Torrid Love Affair

This is akin to having to choose between 2 girls, with almost nothing to separate the both of them. And despite having made the choice at the start of this academic year, I am having second thoughts about my choice now.

It all boiled over when I decided to crash Eugene's Foreign Policy and Diplomacy lecture after I had lunch with him today.

The invigoration I sensed during the lecture reminded me of how I come alive during Democratic Possibilities class as well, and it made me start thinking about why I chose Sociology over Political Science all over again.

And then this time, it kind of occurred to me I did not give PS enough "air time" during the whole decision making process over last summer.

But first, the implication of switching major at the end of my sophomore year. I most likely have to do an extra semester or two, which means instead of 4 years, I am doing my undergraduate degree with honours in 5 - which is plain retarded because in that extra year, I could have gotten myself a Masters.

This is because I have almost used up all my electives because I started on an English minor previously but gave up halfway, and if you have read this blog before, you will realise that I vacillated from Geography/Literature to Sociology to Political Science to Communications to Political Science and then back to Sociology eventually.

And to further complicate things, post graduate studies in either Journalism or Political Science, especially in the area of International Relations is something I am rather keen on, depending on the funds available to me. And then, there is always the possibility of academia.

Right now though, practically speaking, I would then have to "discard" 5 Soci modules if I choose to make the insane switch in my junior year. And it also means 5 straight PS modules both in fall and spring, plus I have to double up my ISM requirement for USP over summer between my junior and senior years.

Shoot me.

And then you might be interested to know - why the sudden thought again?

I realised that while I still enjoy Sociology classes, it is with things like International Relations, Comparative Politics and Foreign Policy that I feel most engaged. It has probably got a lot to do with my inherent interest in current affairs and how political science deals a huge deal with that a whole load more directly than Soci.

It's not as if I am miserable in my Soci classes, but in an ideal world, a double-major in PS and Soci would be it; but in an imperfect world as such, it is just not possible at a place like NUS.

An alternative would be to use my remaining 2 electives for PS classes, making 1 of them a ride-on CBM for my USP Advanced requirement. And also to tailor my Independent Study Modules which are essentially research-based extended term papers towards all things politically-related.

On hindsight though, while making the decision when I was crossing over from my freshman to sophomore year, I only really talked to Soci people, and the few PS people I talked to were not very positive about the NUS PS department.

Not to devalue the stuff seniors all around me said to me, but I really should have gone on to talk to people like Paulin Straughan and Kenneth Paul Tan, the vice-heads of the Soci and PS departments respectively a lot earlier and not based my decision on second-hand information alone.

But more importantly, my mental picture of PS was such that engaging in it was in a sense vindicating the status quo since it involves the study of the existing problematic political systems and that studying Soci would help elevate me above all these nonsense.

Over the last few months, I realised that I could not be any further from the truth. In a sense, you could say that I have been repressing this Soci-PS conumdrum and have not given it much thought.

Until now, that is.

Maybe you may perceive this whole sudden eruption as a 7th-month itch kind of a thing - basically a result of my character flaw, that my paranoia stems from my inherent lack of self esteem that in turns to a lack of belief in my own decision making ability.

Or you could see it as being long time coming because I had not given PS enough thought and based my decision to major in Soci on a mental image that was not accurate. And so when this mirage is starting to show signs of falsity, my world is beginning to collapse since everything I have held to be true are beginning to unravel.

I had chosen Soci over PS because I had perceived the Soci department in NUS to be stronger in terms of teaching and that Soci offered me more scope academically.

Or it could just be my idealistic and perfectionist streak acting up again. The thing about wanting to make perfect decisions to compensate for my mistakes earlier in life, but as Kenneth Tan reminded me just now in our 1-hour chat after class, the grass may not be as green as I think it to be.

As he basically advised me against making the switch, he also suggested that I think about what governed my indecisiveness in the first place - something that Gabriel echoed.

Alternatively, you may really consider that this is really God's prompting, to correct a "wrong" decision. But this is utterly problematic considering how God told me that He's okay with anything either way just as long as I honour Him in my decision.

I remembered Him keeping very silent when I asked for detailed exact answers, but the image that was planted in my mind was that of a Father telling His son that this is a simple choice that I would just have to make for myself.

At the end of the day, I guess I must reconcile myself to the fact that while it is next to impossible to make the most informed decision with regard to this, I have also got to learn to live with the consequences of my actions.

Because although this really pales in importance, vis a vis something like marriage, I have got to be mindful that while I may have the privilege of a 'divorce' right now, I definitely don't have that in a marriage.

At the end of the day, whether or not I make any changes to my major, I will not ever make decisions like I did for this matter ever, ever again.

In the meanwhile, however, thank God for grace.