Top 10 Moments of 2005: Number 7

It is with suitable irony and coincidence that I would unwittingly unveil number 7 on this year's list on Christmas day. It is not something exactly positive, but it makes this list for quite simply defining the whole of my fall term of my sophomore year in university.

It is quite simply how I melted down after I led cluster worship in August.

On hindsight, perhaps I should not have taken on the responsibility of leading cluster worship that Sunday. I was already not in the right frame of mind - I was tired, irritable and on the night before, basically mentally not in the right shape to lead worship.

All it took on Sunday morning was for my cell boys to talk like they always do during worship to trigger anger and indigance.

I stopped the worship and reprimanded them. It was something I regretted the moment I uttered those words. If not for Ailing who took over the worship leading and led us into a time of repentence, worship that day would have just been a glorified Christian karaoke session because my harsh words have altered the conditions for worship.

I broke down uncontrollaby after worship ended as I apologized to Ailing for losing control of myself. It was then I realised I had reached the nadir of a downward spiral that was the result of acute busyness.

It precipitated a whole chain of events as I allowed myself to let go of God and went into this introspective mood. I wanted to maintain my right to do everything, and I almost let myself down the road of no return.

But more than ever, it impressed upon myself that I really need to take a break from ministry in church. I had been going on and on without ensuring that I am properly fed spiritually for the last 6 years.

Although I have a clearer picture now of what God wants me to be doing for the next year or so, I honestly do not know what exactly.

But as Ailing would probably have you know, for me to even utter "I don't know" to something about my future, is a huge improvement, however small, from my tendency to plan and over plan. Maybe saying "I don't know" is a sign that I am relinquishing control over my life to God, but I really think it's too early to tell right now. After all, action speaks louder than words.

Whatever it is, that melt down in August brought me into a period where my shortcomings all came blasting into my face and I almost got sucked into it. That I came through it all alive and well is truly a result of God's grace.