Direction of Aspiration

God's timing is usually described as being uncanny since things seem to happen when we least expect it. But perhaps any timing is uncanny only because we define it from our limited human perspective.

And over this examination period, it is indeed quite uncanny how I am beginning to ask myself those hard questions that I have avoided in the past.

Over lunch at arts canteen with Adrian and after blaring my whole life story in 10 minutes with our conversation with Angeline, Adrian turned to me and told me that I was so full of myself.

"Your life, from the way I have heard it from your blog and in person, looks as if it is devoid of God's blessings and mercy.

"All I have been hearing is how you perceive God to have rebuked you when you do wrong and all about the immense amount of hurt and disappointments in your life. There appears to be zero hope in your life," he said.

"But in the same breath," he continued, "all these things about how you have fallen short seems to indicate that you think you must be this good and of a particular high standard."

Coming so soon after a paper that pretty much exhausted me mentally and physically, his words felt like rocks hurtling in my direction.

"But it's my blog! Of course the things you read come across as being self-centred," I said in self-defence.

But as soon as those words came out of my mouth, I realised that what Adrian just said was not something that I did not know. It was just something I have forgotten over time, as I got more consumed with myself.

This theme was uncannily continued by my quiet time material.

"Spiritual leakage begins when we cease to lift up our eyes unto Him. The leakage comes not so much through trouble on the outside as in the imagination; when we begin to say - 'I expect I have been stretching myself a bit too much, standing on tiptoe and trying to look like God instead of being an ordinary humble person.' We have to realise that no effort can be too high."

- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highness, November 24th

Based on Psalms 123:2, Oswald Chambers was specifically dealing with the direction of our aspirations as Christians. This verse is a description of entire reliance upon God.

"As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maid look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maid look to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the Lord our God, till He shows us His mercy." - Psalms 123:2, NIV

Over the course of the day, I decided that I have been talking too much for my own good. I had unwittingly exhibited my insecurity and my need for wordly affirmation by blaring all.

While there are some things that do not have to be put on loudhailer mode, not being such a loudmouth also means that I listen just that little more - after all, we are given 2 ears and only 1 mouth for a reason.

From a micro-scale, my thoughts wondered to a macro basis.

I began to take stock of the things I want to do, starting with getting a 4.4 average CAP score this semester to pulling up CAP score up to an overall 4.0, going to Columbia University to do my masters in journalism upon graduation, work at New York Times and then wind up at BBC World Service.

These are things I wanted to be doing. These are my plans for my own life that I have arrived at after getting wind of what the future, according to God, would perhaps hold for me.

But are these plans what God wants me to be doing?

"For instance, you came to a crisis when you made a stand for God and had the witness of the Spirit that all was right, but the weeks have gone by, and the years maybe, and you are slowly coming to the conclusion - 'Well, after all, was I not a bit too pretentious? Was I not taking a stand a bit too high?'

Your rational friends come and say - Dont' be a fool, we knew when you talked about this spiritual awakening, that was a passing impulse, you can't keep up the strain, God does not expect you to. And you say - Well, I suppose I was expecting too much.

It sounds humble to say it, but it means that reliance on God has gone and reliance on worldly opinion has come in. The danger is lest no longer relying on God you ignore the lifting up of your eyes to Him.

Only when God brings you to a sudden halt, will you realise how you have been losing out. Whenever there is a leakage, remedy it immediately. Recognise that something has been coming between you and God, and get it readjusted at once." - Chambers, My Utmost For His Highness, November 24th

Ever since I crashed 2 months ago and had a total melt down in church, I had honestly allowed my grip in God to loosen. At times, I wondered if I was still a Christian.

Suddenly, the heart for people was gone. I found it so hard trying to continue in my pastoral-like duties, minding the flock of people I was put in charge of, in school and in church. My patience for people went to zilch literally overnight.

How could I mind about other people when I cannot even mind my own life?

So many things, so little time. Is it any coincidence that all these are starting to emerge again over this examination period and leading into the year of rest?

It is going to take a while for me to get back on track, but the most difficult thing is to make that decision to want to start.

But first, I should be quiet more - like how I am usually at cell time nowadays.