The innocence of childhood lost forever to an age where overexposed children grow into adults needing an ever increasing amount of simulation - just so that they will be satisfied and not get bored.
I do not know what went through her mind, but it would hardly be wrong to think that she drew a quick comparison between the children back home in Uganda and their local counterparts who were seemingly unaware of the presence of God that was in the house.
Simplicity. Whatever happened to it?
Thursday night at church, at the final instalment of this year's H.U.M event, it occurred to me that I was not ready to let go of God. I never really was.
Thing is - even if I do turn away, it would not be because I lost trust in God, it would have been because I have fallen short as a result of my deliberate disobedience.
Nothing can remove the fact that I remain convinced about the faith. In fact, although this may sound ironic, any decision on my part to turn away would be a result of my faith, and not a lack of it.
But then turning away would mean I would not be able to share about the faith because my personal testimony would be severely flawed. Fundamentally, if it is something so good and real, then why did I turn away?
I told myself that I did not have to feel obliged to go up for prayer at the end of it just because I rejected God's call the night before. But in the end, He prompted again.
I guess most parts of me were still reluctant to let go, but I pushed myself forward. I just knew I had to.
The tears only came to the fore after everything ended when I talked to AL about it. I realised that I was fearful of what may happen if I do let everything go. Giving up something like service that sustained me was like letting myself be swept by the currents - it could go either way.
And I was afraid I would not choose God.
But I think God gave AL a word for me, something along the lines of letting go and trusting God to give me the strength and protection, but that it would be a very dark and troubling and that I have to keep pressing in and keep praying.
And in perhaps a reminder that God knows, Miss A sent me this sms.
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust." - Psalms 91:1-2
Apparently, she did not know that I was in a mess where I was in church. She just sensed God's prompting to just share this verse with me out of the blue.
If I ever needed a clearer sign that I needed to fall into His arms again, this would probably be it. It is becoming increasingly clear that I need to take a sabbatical from active service and all.
But knowing myself, I remain unsure and fearful - because letting go would be a step into the great abyss. The great known unknown.
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