delicate and desperate

my time in the army taught me never to take things for granted - especially when it comes to superiors who do not give you specific instructions.

i learnt over time that you must bomb them with questions so that i can find out what they really want. it is only then that i know how to proceed.

unfortunately for me, i forgot all about it for a moment on friday and it precipitated the current situation i have on my hands.

besides, the similarities are getting a little bit too uncanny.

when i saw an office or a colleague's number flash on my mobile today, my heart skips a beat and i would experience that paralysing sinking feeling i remembered having when my men used to call me at 3am to tell me they were suicidal.

my off days are precious commodities. it's like how much i valued book out time before. it's the only time in the week i see the light of day and i tend to pack it to the fullest, getting more tired out instead - just like how my weekends were like before.

my internship experience at the newspaper is starting to resemble those times in the army when i wondered how the people in high ranks got to their positions.

i hate it when my superiors don't know what they want and then accuses you of being incompetent, stubborn or (fill in whatever negative adjective that is associated with a young greenhornistic intern).

i didn't ask for what specifically he had in mind for me when i went down to cover the event. so maybe that's my fault. it was only when we got there that the senior journalist drafted out the whole page mentally and told us what we should each focus on.

while i was running around trying to get my part of the deal done, my editor pointed me in another direction. when i got back to the office, he told me off for being stubborn.

well, tell me before hand what you want.

now he wants to get 15 quotes, when all we got was 5. admittedly, this was the instruction of a senior journalist and not our editor, but what do you expect 2 interns to do when our editor gave us zero instructions other than for one to do a wrap about the event, and another to "help" my fellow intern get quotes.

we need more direction. yes, interns do need to be resourceful and all, but we are green horns and we need guidance.

it's a real pity really. he's a good guy. very nice man with a great heart.

and i really want to make this internship work out. but i need to deal with this a bit differently from the way i used to handle things like that in the army. i need to handle this delicately instead of my usual confrontational, matter of fact manner.

daniel is right. i should try to just help him fill the pages now first. let him meet the deadline first. when tomorrow comes, when he's more rational, word the matter to him carefully and be calm about it.

because at the end of the day, i may be right, but all of that does not matter because i am not in a position of power.

i should just go pray about this and hand it over to God.