letting tomorrow worry about itself

i allowed myself to get up at 11 this morning. i had half the mind not to do any studying today, but the thought of my yet untouched preparation for my linguistics paper on saturday quickly erased any thoughts of doing something other than going to the library to study.

but before i stepped out the house today, i made an effort to do my quiet time. today's entry in my utmost for his highness reminded me that it was entirely "possible to misjudge our capacities."

i think what i am going through right now is a direct manifestation of what it means to be depending on myself. i have been continously mugging because i wanted to do well for the examinations. and in the process, i have neglected the whole rest element. yeah, i mean i still chat online and play a bit of championship manager here and there, but this kind of rest is quite different.

physically, it would entail me not lugging my bag with my laptop and books around. and me just going to watch a show and hang out with friends. but ideally, it would just be my Bible, myself and God on the beach under the sun, with an iced-lemon tea. heh.

fundamentally, i am a spent force right now because i forgotten that my "capacity and capability in spiritual matters is measured by, and based on, the promises of God." i'm struggling with reconciling my desire for good grades with it being honouring God and i realised i was fitting God into my picture, rather than fitting myself into His big picture.

i guess this is a manifestation of my inability to reconcile or relinquish this striving aspect of my character with God's purpose for me. if i were to trust God to fulfill His promises for my life, then i really ought to trust that despite failing my mid-term for linguistics, that despite my C+ for my 25% film paper, that despite being feeling so grossly underprepared for this examination and thinking that there's no way i can attain my notion of perfect examination preparation before saturday, God's grace will be enough for me. He is all i ever needed.

prof whalen-bridge emailed me today after dr wee emailed both him and me about my MLA citation enquiry. they basically said i misunderstood the requirements. i guess my quest in pursuing this grade review is a manifestation of my desire for control - the C+ for my paper didn't exactly fit into my grand plan for an A-grade for this module, so my self defence mechanism just kicked into overdrive. i guess i should stop fighting and accept it - not fatalistic resignation, but acceptance that this is perfect for my life in God's sight and to yield and trust that despite such setbacks, i can still bring glory to His name. besides, we really only reap what we sow. so i guess for the amount of time i allocated the paper, C+ is just about it.

to be utterly honest, i have the faintest of idea why i should be studying so hard. is my desire to see a second upper honours a manifestation of my humanistic desire for control or do i really see academic excellence as an act of worship onto Him? is it for me and my selfish reasons or is it for Him? and if it's for Him, how so?

or is second upper honours totally outside of my academic ability? that i have chosen to believe in an inaccurate picture of my own ability? should i therefore just give up the quest to do my utmost and save myself from all the pain?

polar opposites in terms in terms of perspectives, but i reckon the answer lies somewhere in the middle. somewhere in God's plan. i guess until i come to a point of conviction and realisation, i will always be in this state of limbo. but even then, the grace of God extends to cover me until i have come to that realisation. that's how much He loves me. and you as well.

if only i would claim upon His promises and internalise our verbal and mental claim. i guess the process of percolation from head knowledge to heartfelt conviction requires time. all in His good timing i guess.

one thing at a time. because even though "perfection's not to be," i reckon it's better if i'd let tomorrow worry about itself and "keep on walking His way."