too pretty, too good, too busy

pretty woman. yes. the movie that catapulted julia roberts and to a certain extent, richard gere into the hollywood movie star strastophere was on channel 5 last night. i found myself wanting the cliche good ending. and then something that i always knew resurfaced.

good endings in movies appeal to the masses because utopia almost never exist.

many people spent entire lives trying to live to a set of ideals that are propagated by popular media that may not be their own. and then i thought about myself -- of how my teenage years were characterised by that singular goal of mine to fit in and be cool. remnants of it still remain in me, but i am so much more comfortable being alone now. friends coming and friends going continue to affect me, but i realised i deal with it so much better than even a year or two ago.

to say that i have achieved it solely on depending on God would be a massive lie. i am no holy-molly dude, but i know a large part of it has got to do how God continues to break down walls in my life today.

this week has all about being just that.

i grappled with having to meet deadlines for the magazine. and thankfully i coped. i finally finished the first drafts of all 10 articles -- of which i interviewed and wrote 4. i contacted the printers and i sent in the application for publishing permit. i just need to work on a further round of editing and the artwork before i submit it for printing.

the task finally weighed upon me the week before last. and i was overwhelmed by the task of having to juggle between so many things. too many things for my own good.

i think after allowing some time for God to distill matters, i have a clearer picture of my focus for my life this year. more than just meaning i am probably going to do the vcf musical due in march, i found out more about how God wants me to be "a living sacrifice" this year.

but in the distilling process, it occurred to me that some things have to go.

some things like perhaps the nus cell in church and evening services on saturdays -- at least for now. the people in the cell make for great fellowship -- steven and his motley crew, but the reason why i decided to go for that is simply to get the spiritual feeding i need -- because i only can give how much i have. i crashed so many times in the past few years because i have been giving and giving and hardly receiving.

but now, having started school, my source of spiritual input has somewhat switched to the vcf care group in school that is usually on monday nights and then there's tuesday vcf sunset prayer on most weeks. add that to my full sunday programme in church of youth service and youth cell -- and the cell is all-new -- and you will get a picture of how in danger i am in of what i call church-burnout.

i sense increasingly that God placed me in the university here for a purpose. and placing me in such a place at a time such as this has to mean something. campus ministry is something i sense i have to do to a certain level. but i must arrange it such that it complements my ministry in church without compromising my relationship with God -- time for myself and for study must be factored in as well.

but this means having to trim and cut down on some "excess fat" -- both in church and school. and looking back on how certain circumstances have been imposed on me just because i have a radically moderate point of view, i think it's all in the holy and perfect will that He allowed such things to happen. because it's a way of releasing me from upper etchelons of leadership in church so that i can be released to do stuff in school for this season in my life.

so for now, while it would be good if i could commit to regular saturday church and sunday church, it is really subscribing to a utopic world view. i am human and there's only so much i ca do, but popping by once in a while at saturday church could do.

all's not perfect. but i am barely coping -- barely because He gives enough.