the fourth commandment

tuesday morning. when i got up late - -thus missing my writing class in the process -- i just felt that taking up the tuition assignment was not the right thing to do. i prayed about it before i went to sleep and the thing that came to mind was what was talked about during vcf care group. the comparison between genesis chapters eleven and twelve.

chapter 11 basically talks about the tower of babel that the people tried to build "so that (they) may make a name for themselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth." (gen 11:4) God's reaction was to "confuse their language so they will not understand each other." (gen 11:7)

compare this to abram whom God promises to "make your name great" and to "bless those who bless you" and for "all peoples on earth (to be) blessed through (him)." ( gen 12: 2-3)

the thing that stood out between this comparison is how if things are of God -- notice how the people tried to make a name for themselves by themselves and not through God, so in essence, they are disobeying God -- nobody will be against you.

while it warns of disobedience, i'm instead more comforted by the fact that i do not have to worry about tomorrow if only i would subscribe and allow His will to just take shape. it's not about fatalistic resignation, it's about acknowledging his soverignity over my life.

taking up this tuition assignment would not in any way jeopardise my time management in the one month break in december, but it would take away 2 week day nights when term starts. although it pays rather well -- i get 400 bucks for it -- i do not really need that extra money now. i am comfortable because God provide.

thing is before this, i already told God that i would set aside my mid academic year break to pray, think and rest on my plans for next year. if i were to commit to a tuition assignment already, then i would be in a sense forcing God to fit into the whole scheme of things. i didn't want to go before God when i already said i wouldn't, so i rejected the assignment. i am sure when i really do need to get money, God will provide when the time comes.

this passage also was God handling my hang over regarding my failed singapore idol audition. i think one reason why i keep watching the show is because i really want to be on that stage. but i know it's because i just want the attention. deep down inside, i kindda know it's not right. but head knowledge does not always equal heart knowledge.

i was vexing over this. i watched david yeo and i wondered what might have been if i hadn't forgotten my lyrics, chose another song or bothered to bring extra change to spruce up. i mean david is good, but i thought i am not that bad also what. thing is at the same time i knew that was not the point as well. so there i was, tossing and turning on the sunday night/monday early morning. i was rationalising -- i mean for God to place such a desire to want to sing, He must have a reason. it's just that the way i was feeling is taking it to extremity. on hindsight now, i think i was looking for God to affirm that it was His plan for me to sing. and if it was, for me to have done well at the singapore idol competition. but there is also a greater cause that my voice is also meant for -- worship.

when i read about how God honours if we honour Him first with our God-given talent, it will turn out all good. it just came all together for me. that it's also going to be good in HIS time, and not mine. i could be too impatient, wanting to rush things -- i mean, i still don't really know. all i know is that He has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me. trust. patience.

and grades. i got my literature paper back wednesday. i got a B. quite ok u may think. but my face was all black after that. i was disappointed. i mean i knew i didn't write that well, but i thought a B+ would be a reasonable grade. and i read the kind of paper my lecturer gave A-minus for, and i knew i had it within me to produce that kind of a paper if i had given more time to it.

but after that, i was just thinking. was the change in my demeanour so noticeable? i then realised what a sucker i was with grades. i had forgotten that good grades are a result of God's grace and not by my own effort. yes. i tried everything. but the B was God's grace -- remember how i literally burnt out when i was writing it? remember the fever that lasted all of 4 days because i was too stressed over the 3 deadline cluster first time round?

and then i was reminded how the assignment for my second cluster of deadlines were. i had scored A-minues for both of them. -- for geography and my second writing paper. and then i realised that the lessons i learnt from the first time out. God gives success, just as He can take them away. and He only gives success to those who are prepared and can handle them. all i just need to do is to keep my head down and keep working and trusting that He will provide. i can work my ass off for all i care, but if God didn't provide me with favour with the markers, if He didn't provide me with the adrenaline to last through all-nighters, i quite honestly wouldn't have made those distinctions.

the fourth commandment in the exodus chapter twenty in the Bible reads "thou shalt not have any idols before me." indeed.