addicted to a cause. dazed by you.

it's so difficult putting on a front. when u are really not feeling too good about somebody or something, yet having to pretend that all's fine. living a massive lie.

any recent joy has been sporadic and temporary. never seem to last any longer than half a day. because after that i would descend into my default state again.

the kids in school. i just realised i may have been too stubborn in sticking to my old methods of dealing with the sec one kids i am taking now. i yelled at a boy for playing a fool with me in class when i could have taken it easy and just have fun with them. i felt really really bad for doing it. that poor boy looked so stunned at my reaction. i would love to have fun with them, but i thought i was first a teacher more than anything else. is there anything wrong with expecting high standards? they think i like to scold them, but each time i do, i go back to the office an emotional and physical wreak. i get so tired and sapped. but each time i love them too much to give up on them. i keep trying. the ironic part is that it's their lives and they are not trying. what pisses me off is not their lousy grades, but their can't-care-less attitude towards everything.

the hate crime against me today. i got into class to find my classroom all ransacked. the tables and chairs of the row nearest to the window were all overturned. and my brooms were bent into two. and newspapers strewn all over the floor. and this coming after i scolded a prima donna sec one girl. too much of a coincidence really. but i don't have much proof, so i don't want to speculate too much here.

yes. they may only be thirteen. but do i let them go away thinking that this bochup attitude is ok? because i think the biggest tragedy is when a teacher does not do anything about a rowdy class. because when he does not do anything abt it, he is admitting defeat. that the class is hopeless. that the boy/girl is hopeless. that the teacher does not care. that is the greatest tragedy.

i was just telling jimmy how i am getting quite convinced teaching is something God is calling me to do. today just threw everything out of the window. but i know deep down there in the recesses of my heart and mind, that at some point in my life, i would teach. just one afternoon spent with some of the boys from my sec one normal academic class coaching them in history, i felt i broke the barriers. and then there's this other boy who i sent out of class, and then talked to him using chinese. and he just totally responded in terms of his attitude towards his work. all this in a week. when i teach, i know what i say and do will definitely impact a person for life. seeing my ex-students who are in sec four now, is very encouraging to say the least. not all acknowledge my presence, but for those select few who do, and just being able to see them just soar with their potential, is reward in itself for me.

on another separate note, i got told off by a friend for always making empty promises -- coz he claims i have not met him despite saying i would for the past 2 years. told me to get my life in order. to pioritised. didn't it occur to him that it's because i am ranking what's important that i am not meeting him. should i even tell him that he doesn't matter as much as other things do in my life?

yet ironically, for the people i try so hard to keep in contact with, they don't make the effort. it's like an endless vicious cycle i am stuck in. people running after me and me running others. never meeting. never ending. chasing after something i will never catch.

thank God i still have God whatever is. but it is so difficult. i feel like screaming. my whole being is exploding. but the tears refuse to flow. i think i am too tired to even muster the energy to.

i really love you Lord. but why?