clement out

such an irony. i had wanted to resolve a what-if, but i ended up creating more what-if's in my valiant attempt.

the lowdown -- outside the audition room, where i did my last rehearsal before i went into the room to be judged, i sounded pitch perfect. so good that the cameras zoomed in on me with my eyes closed, i only realised it when i opened my eyes. but when it mattered, in front of 2 mediacorp producers, i flopped. i forgot my lyrics. it didn't matter if i sounded all right. this is singing's cardinal sin. clay aiken got whacked by simon cowell for forgetting his lyrics.

i was gutted. i was very angry with myself. but today at service, when daniel lin talked about standards in music, it all came together for me.

i recalled the time when i decided to sign up for this competition. i remembered not feeling totally at ease with it, but i decided not to think so much and just go for it for the fun of it. i have said also that i was going for this for affirmation of my ability to sing -- or rather the lack of it.

i feel so frustrated because i have put in so much effort into the prep. true. i only decided on 'don't cry out loud' 2 days before. and i always had a problem with lyrics. but i also realised that this may have not been what God had intended for me to do in the first place.

because this is a competition created by the world and man. my ability to sing is a gift from God. these are of two vastly different realms -- the former is finite, the latter is infinite. as a child of God, i don't need something finite to tell me i can sing. because this gift of carrying a decent tune is a gift from the infinite being. and it should be used for Him.

the argument can go on and on. but this time, i reckoned i hd gone ahead without getting the peace of mind, heart and soul of seeking God.

or it could appear like sour grapes to you. of not making it. but i am choosing to disregard the myriads of endless possibilities, and focusing what is important. that life still goes on after this singapore idol competition. if there's anything i learnt from this -- it's that i can sing. and that God wanted me to know that.