the homing instinct

watched troy last night with marcus last night at plaza singapura. the movie was really quite awesome. somehow though, the movie did not exactly have a resolution that i could fathom. it left me feeling that there can be no heroes in the world at all. because all heroes die. the movie was a welcome distraction from the week which have been insane.

it has been a 7am to 10pm week for me. i worked those hours from monday to thursday. had very little to sleep. and had the whole world hounding me for information and for help. repeated something 30-odd times to NSmen who i suspect were half acting blur but i still had to give them the benefit of the doubt and not send them to detention. all in all a crazy week at work this near my ord. but nothing beats what is going on at home.

my mom is bedridden with this pain in her left thigh that gradually spreaded to her left leg. she went to the doctor's and was diagnosed as having a case of sciatica. it has got to do with the inflammation of the sciatic nerve and this in turn could be due to a whole host of other reasons. in moments like these, i really wished i had studied harder and taken up medicine. i feel so helpless seeing her lying on my bed. yes. i gave up my bed because she needs a rock solid bed to lie on. for her back. so i am sleeping on the floor now. but it's ok. anything just to see her better again.

i prayed for her a few nights ago. but i ended up breaking down. i told mom that i wasn't prepared to see her go yet. that i don't want to see her in hell. i didn't mean it too adversely. what i was trying to tell her was to come back to God again. that it doesn't matter if you do not feel ready or adequate. because God meets us where we are. what matters is whether we are willing to let Him come and be real.

then it also hit me that my mom mattered to me more than i ever cared to admit. i started to take on more home responsibilities like washing the dishes and the toilets. and mopping the floor and doing the laundry. i realised that for all the nonsense i said about not willing to take care of her in her old age when she is sick, when the crunch came, my natural instinct to want to make her feel better kicked in. i just went about naturally taking over the usual things she would be doing around the house. but not enough just yet. then it hit me that maybe i should be spending more time at home. not action really speaks louder than words. and that mom needs to hear me say certain things before it's too late.