time out

i took the day off from church today. i needed to call a time out. some time away from the crowd. from being up front leading. it all came back to me during saturday evening service yesterday.

i was tired from the week. the 3-day old gastric was not helping matters. but at the end of it, the truth was just way too glaring -- i hadn't read my Bible for the last week. and i was feeling drained. it's like having my well-spring of life being cut off. the extent of my addiction to the Word. i just needed some rest today. to just slow things down a little. february has past by me in a flash. way too fast.

i finished up my quiet time material for january and february today. it was something on spiritual growth. there were many things that were mentioned but the one thing that screamed at me was the thing selwyn hughes mentions about keeping our emotions in check. that these negative emotions come about as a result of warped goals that we had set out to achieve. but more importantly, these warped goals are more likely to be goals that are not in line with God's goals for us. that those times when i feel so incredibly upset, it was probably because i placed too much dependence on human beings. that what i really longed for can really only be found in Him and Him alone.

that all human beings are longing beings. that the 'homing instinct' in each of us, which some still struggle to come to terms with, is actually a longing for His presence in their lives. that every soul is pained when it tried to function outside out a relationship with God. coming to terms with this longing to be dependent on God is difficult because it means a swallowing of one's pride. the quelling of one's spirit of independence. one's essential 'human nature'.

our human nature. someone from camp retorted that lusting after women is part of our nature as guys. but i learnt that while this is true. this human nature of ours is fallen. that as a result of what adam and eve had eaten, we are eternally thrown into a dense darkness that is characterised by sin. that this dense darkness can only be penetrated by the laser light that is God -- because He is the Way, the Truth and the Light.

proverbs 22:15 says 'folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.' because of the effect of adam's and eve's sin on the human mind, everyone arrives in this world with the foolish idea that the route to happiness is to have their own way in everything. this desire to have one own way needs curbing, and this is why discipline is required. left to ourselves, the power of our wisdom pales into comparison with the wisdom that comes from God through His word. that our minds has to be renewed by the Spirit in order not to think foolishly. selfishly.

correcting our wrong thinking is not enough. it is important to replace them with the truth found in the Word. and the way to this is to constantly expose myself to the Bible. a subtle reminder not to stay away so long again.

yet another thing i picked up is how i can control my response to an event that i may have no control over. to react in a way that would please God, would be the penultimate aim of aspiring for spiritual growth.

it's very easy to be cynical. but i am mindful though that when i reply on God to meet the deep needs of our soul i will still experience hurt. my relationship with God does not insulate me from the feelings of hurt or make us invulnerable to disappointment, but it does uphold and enable us to go on loving in the same way the we ourselves are loved by God.