saying goodbye is never easy

i thought saying goodbye many times over will numb that dumb feeling. i thought wrong.

over youth cell time today, we were teaching about coping with teenage problems. and a couple of us shared. when ailing took the stage and shared about the trials of being the eldest born, i was nodding in agreement throughout. i had to be the one breaking all the rules being the first to reach cognitive age. i am still repairing my relationship with my folks now. i guess it's a legacy i left over from my rebel-without-a-cause days.

and it also made me recall my mindless adolescence. those days when i hung out every single day and not bothered about my work at all. those times when my piorities were all misplaced. when i was so preoccupied about not being nerdy and totally concentrating on everything except my books as a result. i found out what an extremist i am. i found out that i was unbearing. as a prefect, i hounded people like i would dogs. i was a perfectionist. a flawed one at that. still probably am.

i could go on and on. i felt so inadequate at that point. so useless. but i was reminded that in Him, i am complete. i still don't have it within me to be totally convicted of this, but i know this to be true. it's something i hold on to. that i have been holding onto since time began.

i recalled being god-less for a while in sec three/four. vulgarities didn't use to have a hold on me until then. i refused to believe in Him because i thought if he really loved me, he wouldn't subject me to such nonsense. until of course festival of praise'99. then it suddenly occurred to me that that day could be considered my rebirth in Christ since it was that day that i rededicated my life to him. i remembered crying at the altar of clementi methodist church when they had an altar call during the combined methodist schools camp. for two hours i knelt there. the release God gave me then. set me back with Him. that was end '98. after my O levels.

everything's changing. i know i have to cope with it. it's no point deluding myself that i love changes. i hate it and i hate it to the core. i wish things would stay the same forever. but that's not possible. it's all about rights and giving them up i reckon.

can't cling onto my past. it's of letting go and letting live. people grow up. people grow old. they marry. have kids. grow old. and die. friends come. friends go.

it's all coming back to me now. everything just blasted in my face. i heaved. a palpable sigh. that rocked my world. i thought i had it settled. i thought wrong.

i had been escaping all along. like an ostrich i buried my head when adversity loomed.

maybe that's one of the reasons why God made me stay. because saying goodbye will overwhelm me. because shuttling between my life there and my life here would be something i would never have within me to reconcile.

bye brother. see you again soon.