a lost cause?

took the day off today to attend the sph scholarship information tea session this morning. i did not expect to see so many people in attendance there. and i felt so old being among them. seeing them reminded me of the pre-army self.

i also felt so stupid. i saw the list of participants. almost all of them were from raffles, hwa chong, victoria, temasek, national or anglo-chinese junior colleges. i think the added knowledge of how i failed in my application once last year and my mediocre A-level grades contributed to my sense of inadequacy.

i hear the all too easy cynicism from some of the holier-than-thou smart alecs. the usual 'straits-times-is-a-government-mouthpiece' byline. go get a life dudes -- the fact that you were present at this luncheon means you lose all right to be cynical about what the straits times is.

and when the mc shared that he obtained a d7 for his chinese at 'o' levels to demonstrate that proficiency in one language would suffice, there was people who scoffed at him saying that it was something not to be proud of. and they proceeded to show in the next instant what absolute morons they were by talking all throughout the lianhe zaobao segment of the information session which was conducted in chinese. because he wasn't interested in being a chinese journo, he yakked throughout. i thought long and hard before turning my back and glared at both of them. i held back. because if i hadn't, i would probably have stood up and yelled at those ill-mannered to shut up and show some respect. because in a journalist job, you are going to have to work with people everyday. if you can't even respect someone in this simple manner, i seriously think you are a mercenary just out for the hard cash to study abroad and not the scholarship and the job that comes with it. period.

ah. maybe i feel so agitated because people like me who really want the job and the scholarship do not get it because of my inferior academic grades. while people who have the luxury of choice get to choose which award "helps them get richer faster".

i wonder -- would sph consider giving me the scholarship just because i have the passion for current affairs and that when compared to another person, chances are i won't break the bond. because i see the bond as a guarenteed job in a field i love upon graduation. would it supercede what they see on my transcript -- A for Lit, B for Geog and E for Econs?

i think i would also apply to calvin college. just one college. just in case they so decide to give me an overseas scholarship. it's a super long shot. but as always. i am going to try. in case a miracle happens and i get the overseas one, only to find that i have no american university to go to -- that would suck.

i feel so lousy about myself. i just want to be covering the war in some far flung places like somalia or iraq? i am sure not many want to do that. is that really so difficult? to even give me a chance to be interviewed for the job?