troubled waters

it just occurred to me that i have ceased to be praying. when i was in school, i remembered being very angry with myself for praying only when i was in need -- when i needed help to keep me calm because i knew i would reap what i sow when i did not study for a paper. and it certainly did not help that i was in need most of the time. tsk tsk.

i have been too busy with too many things. work occupies my entire being right now. i could argue that God has internalise in me already, so in whatever i do, i do with a prayerful attitude, so not actually praying that much per se is not exactly what it appears to be. but i rather not.

another issue. the testimonials i have from my friends on friendsters. confuses me. alywin says i "see the big picture better than most unemancipated people do", while at the same time i have people tell me that i am too introspective and melancholic that i miss the big picture. over the years, some people have commented on how strong i am to have stuck to friends through secondary school who were mean to me; while others call me weak not to have been able to break free from them.

it then struck me. people can think what they want about me. what matters most is that God loves me. and that He values me for who i am. i should be secure in only my identity in Him. why bother about what other people think of you? i am beginning to realise that what God revealed of me to myself during my time in ocs -- how weak and mean i can be -- serves to draw me back from over-basking in people's praises of me. to keep me in check. to keep me from excessive pride.

the next two weeks could jolly well determine how my remaining ten months of service would be like. please keep me in your prayers.