the contrite truth

the last 2 days at the office could not have been any more different and contrasting.

yesterday was the day after the emotionally draining episode with an ah-beng. when i went into the office, my boss wasn't around and half the office was not around for some reason -- leave, day off, whatever.

then just before lunch, that witch in my office had something urgent to attend to at home, so she told me she needs to take half day urgent leave. one of my battalion chief clerks left for her medical appointment. so in the afternoon, it was so quiet. so peacefully.

lunch yesterday was at the south buena vista duck rice place with kai qing and winston chin. kai qing left today for chicago, so we got together for lunch. ah. the luxury of being the big boss for the day. i only got back to office at 2pm.

it was so peaceful in the office. but somehow as i thrived and enjoyed this rare moment of peace, deep within me, i got a feeling that this is just a delusion -- the calm before the storm.

true enough, the first thing that greeted my ears this morning was the witch's ranting at my clerks for something that was beyond them. add to the fact i couldn't account for 2 of my clerks. after some frantic calling, i located them. they nonchanlently told me they had reported sick the night before and had obtained 2 days medical leave. i blasted them.

for not informing me. for assuming that everyone knows. even when i do not report for work, i would call my boss, and the office let them know. this act of theirs may appear small and unimportant, but it just goes to show how they think that this is their father's army and that they can do as they please. small things all add up at the end of the day. action speaks louder than words.

the 2 clerks who were yelled at for nothing broke down and told me they wanted a post-out. i was at my wit's end. i decided i needed to get out of the stifling environment and just not think about muy damn office.

i went down where bravo wing had come for some lesson at my camp. i met up with my section instructor over breakfast. he was the only one who ever believed in my ability even when i doubted myself. he saw me and asked me how i was. my platoon mate who is not an ocs instructor, who saw me for the first time since we commisioned, commented that i looked so hagged and appeared to have lost weight. as we exchanged tidbits of trivial and gossip, about the interesting things i have to do like conselling my men and acting as aunt agony, my friend made a comment on how lucky i am to be so exposed to the real workings of the world. that he does not learn so much in ocs. that he is rotting there. that he doesn't mind doing my job because it is so interesting.

it got me thinking. i should be thankful. at that point in time, i was so troubled by the morning's chain of events. it is so ironic how i am perceived to be one of the more able young second lieutenants in my camp now when i was perceived to be the worst in ocs. my instructor was quite shocked to know i dealt with the ah-beng just 2 days ago -- he said that this is not the clement he knew from ocs. but i told him that in ocs, i was basically just going with the flow because of the political situation. he smiled at me. nodded his head. as if he totally understood.

he used to tell me his experience in his active guards unit. about the bad politics that he was a victim of. that numbed him. that dulled his interest in the military. in a sense, he was like me. full of ideals. the difference between me and him is that he signed on and that i refrained at the last minute not to. he nearly yanked my head off when i told him i nearly joined him as a regular. because he ever told me to just finish my stinct as an nsf and just go into the world. he told me my potential is outside. told me not to make a mistake like he did.

it was just so nice to see him again. i tried to call him in the months before, but he changed his handphone number. he called me on on my way this morning to tell me that he was coming to my camp today. that maybe we can meet up for coffee or something when he's here and all.

i still feel very helpless. luckily there isn't much to do today. i just need to plan for next week and tidy up my collection of manpower directives.

normally when i am feeling like that, i would shut myself in my room and wait on Him. but i am stuck at work now. so i guess i will just have to deal with it now.

there's worship practice tonight. after that there's this free worship thingey organised by ailing's tuesday group at...get this...muhd sultan! where all the clubs are located. it's intriguing enough to get me all interested. think i may just pop down later for a while.