good. all the time.

it is really amazing how God answers. i locked myself in my room and was just praying. praying is talking to God. and i did just that. i just simply whined. talked about the stuff that was bugging me. i basically was just going on and on about my office situation. about work and stuff. i was hitting myself against the wall. i told God -- Lord everything u can throw at me, i know. but knowing is one thing, doing is another. it's so difficult.

called ailing and weikang before i went into this time of prayer. thinking that they would be able to provide good counsel. again. i din trust Him enough to go straight to Him. but then i told both of them to call me only when they have gotten comfortable after they reach home. so that i could have time to talk to God. i am so ashamed. i actually wanted them as back-up's in case God decided to wait a little while before telling me stuff -- which is usually the case.

but this time round, he surprised me with the speed he answered me. basically i picked up a book from the pile of books in my room, one of the many i binged on at sks books warehouse a couple of weeks ago -- it's making sense of living as a christian by bob horn. as if by magic i turned the pages with the help of the contents page and viola, it was God's turn to talk.

"Paul...did not get into contortions about whether his motives were 100% pure or whether he had read his circumstances correctly...We do all the right things: pray, wait on God, look into His Word, consult with others, look at needs, and so on. Yet guidance often remains a 'mystery', even mysterious. We often look for a 'sense of peace' in a decision..."

i thought that was just so me. and as i read on, God, really it's Him, untangled so many things. He simply put His finger exactly on what was my root problem -- even without me saying it out loud.

"The will of God that we should be seeking, as the Bible repeatedly insists, is to do with what we are, more than where we are. The Bible gives us a freedom that has 3 elements.

One is that we can be quite clear about the moral will of God. God is concerned with what we are as people rather than what we do or where we do it. Honesty, integrity, love, concern, diligence, contentment, in short, godly living, is set out for us all through the Bible. We don't have to 'find guidance' in that sphere, for God has shown us what pleases Him.

The second element of biblical freedom is that we can trust God: he is already constantly guiding...psalms 23 is in the present tense...we need to confess and seek forgiveness from God (constantly)...

The third element is that God wants us to go on acting as 'humans restored'. He wants us to form judgements and make decisions. We are not at liberty to decide whether to be honest ; that is a 'given'. But where God has not spoken one way or another, we are free and called to decide.

This means that many decisions are not a matter of right or wrong, but of wisdom and folly..."

you have no idea how much that hit me. i felt overworked, totally underappreciated and overwhelmingly manipulated by all around me. this was God's cajoling. reminding to continue doing what is right.

WOW!

then as i was flipping through travelling light by max lucado. one line stands out screaming in my face.

"Repeat these words after me: It is not my job to run the world."

WOW!

then as i was going through oswald chambers' my utmost for his highness, the august 11 entry tore me apart with its precision.

"if you remain true to what you have learnt with Elijah, you will get the sign that God is with you...Determine to trust in God and do not look for Elijah anymore."

after dealing with what was bothering me, the last statement dealt with how i tend to rely on people's words for advice rather than His.

WOW!

it's even more mind blowing because God's response to me this time round was almost instant. i went into my room expecting to be frustrated again, because God normally wait for me to chill before He answers. it's really amazing. i can find no other word to describe His power, grace and mercy.

you have no idea how much He lifted me. the release i felt upon my heart. i suddenly find myself breathing easier as i couldn't thank God enough.

i have been reading so much. so much head knowledge. but so little practical usage. it's like God is working in my life in chapters now. everytime He forces things/issues i have onto the surface. then makes me go through the whole range of emotions. before He works through people around me, the things i read or things i see or do. and then i close the loop and pick up the learning point. but all the chapters all link. and some chapters are concurrent with new chapters. it's a fluid situation.

this time round. the lesson was on trusting in Him alone. yes. we can talk to other people. trusted christian friends. but at the end of the day, it is only Him who can FULLY satisfy your 'inner peace' so to speak. even when i failed to seek Him first, he made it such that i would tell kang and ailing to take their time to settle down at home before calling me -- just so that i would seek Him first.

i let God down so many times. but He never lets you down.