sometimes what we are looking for is just right in front of us

i just yelled at my mom. big time. said some really nasty things to her. i just lost it this morning. when i came home after service to dump my laundry. so that she won't nag. plus i didn't want to carry a big bag around. couldn't find somthing i wanted. then i realised that she rearranged my room in my absence -- again! thing is, as long things appear neat to her, she's ok with it. she's so selfish. she does not care whether i can find it or not. as long as it is neat to her. neatness is relative here.

i had wanted to write on a postcard to give to andrew coz i came home partly also to get the two joshua harris books for him. but i couldn't find my zouk postcards. small thing i know. but this week, the third time she has rearranged my room to her own specifications -- note the contradiction there. i lost it when she said she couldn't remember where she put those stuff.

but in my madness, i saw a glaring similarity between how she tries to keep my room neat and how she is attempting to run my life. just as she wants things in my room her way, she wants my life run her way. mom may know best, but she is no God. then i started blaming her for the things i went through all my life. it's like i see all her negative traits in me. and i hate it. before i barged out of the door. i told her this -- one of the reasons why i hate myself is because i hate you.

i felt so much pent-up restless energy in me as i ran down the stairs. i could have kicked the dustbin and broken it into 2 then. but i didn't. i was flustered. very flustered. my relationship with my mom only improved when i started staying away from home coz of army training. now i am back in the house everyday. things start getting awry again. does it mean i really have to live apart from her once i can afford it? i really thought i didn't have to since last year -- when mom and i stopped yelling at each other. did i ruin things? it's not entirely my fault i yelled at her.