Growing up

If only reality can be as beautiful as this picture taken on Franklin Roosevelt's home estate at Hyde Park in upstate New York. Driving upstate with a few friends last Sunday was a great respite for the battered J-School soul. It was so good we didn't want to come back.

Journalism School, being what it is, is hectic, busy and mindless. I am only coping because I have been forced to curb my perfectionist urges - because otherwise, I would not get any work done. But I am getting used to that, getting used to coping and being patient with myself and my growth as a reporter, writer, photographer and maybe radio producer.

Some times it is easy, most times it is difficult because I am so naturally competitive. I keep telling myself to run my own race and not be too caught up with the competition that exists in our heads. I just want to do my thing, I tell myself. Also, people who end up doing great things typically do not start by aiming to do great things, but to do their thing well.

Lately though, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life after this year, especially in the last fortnight or so.

I could do a second year, which means a second degree here - which has to be conditioned on an offer of a scholarship to cover all fees. I also just sent out 4 internship applications for the summer, so I am just keeping my fingers crossed. I am also more receptive to going home to work for the national paper now, so we'll see.

I had to cast my mind back in time to pick certain scenes and events in my life to write my cover letter and autobiographical essays though, and it literally triggered an entire flashback of my life.

It brought back to mind old wounds, old issues, old questions I have delayed making a decision on, in the hope that I would somehow change and avoid making the choice I know I would.

The ideas of God and Christianity used to be sufficient for me when I was younger. But the reality of how screwed up I am still stared at me in my face all this while. I still subscribe to God, and I love God, but at the same time, I feel like I cannot continue to sit on the fence any much longer. And I have no desire to hurt anybody by forcing the issue.

I am 26. I will be 27 in 6 months and 30 in 4 years, and if the last 26 is anything to go by, it will go by in a flash. I no longer have the luxury of time to ditter, to reassure myself everything will be fine in His time. Promises of a better future, at this point, seems to be no longer enough. I am tired and I need things to start happening.

It makes me sad I can't reconcile who and what I am, with God's vision which is increasingly looking like a panacea for me. It's just that I am getting older, and I wonder if I have to make a decision soon, because otherwise I don't feel I am able to move on with my life.

This used to be a perpetual crisis for me, but DM, a friend I have in Boston whose friendship I am holding increasing regard for, told me something almost a fortnight ago that put everything in perspective.

"It's not a quarter life crisis. It's just that you, we, are all growing up. And these hard times are just part of that."

Or it could just be that we are all grown up, and are just grappling with the less than beautiful decisions and the thought of settling for anything less than the best for ourselves, that come along with it.