Picking up the pieces

I have waited for most of my undergraduate years for my honours-year to come by, but now that I am caught in the middle of it, I am not exactly liking it a great deal.

Nobody ever told me how difficult it would be -- not so much with the workload, but how the workload might be made unmanageable by what is called year-4 ennui by some or senior-itis by others.

GS differentiated between year-4 ennui and quarter-life crisis the other day -- while both are characterised by a general lack of direction, your energy and motivation levels deserts you in year-4 ennui.

Dr. P said this condition is caused by a deep-seated fear of our future post-graduation. She couldn't have nailed the root problem on its head any better. Of course, it's not just related to matters of employment and profession, but matters of the heart, soul and mind as well.

I don't even know if I want to do my research masters anymore. I submitted 2 applications, one to sociology and the other to SEAsian studies -- I will choose when the time comes, if I decide to do my masters at all. I just hope the Columbia journalism application works out.

Increasingly, I am realising I'd be stressed by other things, rather than having 5 submissions to different publications and journals at the same time. Somehow, I suspect I have too romanticised a view of academe for my own good, that is.

It just also hit me: I remembered wanting to be in this world, but not of this world. It was not too long ago, but it does feels like it.

It could just be fatigue blurring/clearing up my mind, depending on how you see it, but it increasingly seems that it may be much easier to just be in and of this world...