Feeling strangely dim

I start an internship with AP Singapore tomorrow, and despite wanting to work with them for most of the last 2 years, my spirits are quite strangely dim.

It is an inexplicable apprehension, mixed with a little uncertainty and coupled with an ominous feeling. I feel almost sian even.

Maybe it is the cumulative fatigue from having done so much in the one-month since school ended in early May for me. Admittedly, what I have done in the last month could easily have been what other people are doing for the entire summer break.

I have been through a 4-day VCF exco planning retreat (otherwise known as VCF exco boot camp), countless exco meetings after that and prepared the proposal for my plans as evangelism coordinator in the next year.

Other than reading 2-3 books on evangelism, missions and social action, I also read close to 20 texts in preparing for my thesis research trip to Bangkok, which I just came back from this past Monday.

The initial draft containing my trip proposal and tentative thesis topics was rejected by my supervisor because it was too broad and I had to start from scratch on the Monday in the week I was to have left on Wednesday.

That 6-day trip was followed immediately by a VCF leaders preparatory camp on Tuesday through to Friday this week. This weekend was just about the first time in a month I had time to just do nothing and rot.

Other than fatigue, I suspect I am feeling this way mainly because after the experience of this internship and my trip to the USA in July, there are some things that are going to change for good.

And I think it is rather consistent with the overall scheme of things in my life.

I was just telling Yvonne over LPC in the last week that it's quite ironic while I thought I knew what I wanted to do when I was a freshman three years ago, it's quite a mess now as I prepare to enter my senior year in college.

Coming to a point of realisation earlier this year that journalism is just a platform for me to exercise what God has planted in my spirit was a tremendous breakthrough, as far as deciding what to do after graduation is concerned.

It was then, that I also realised I should invest time and effort not so much in finding that platform, but more importantly, in finding out what my God-given impulse exactly is.

Seen in this light, this would make journalism as much a platform, as much as academia and even missionary work is, for me.

I guess right now, it's a matter of being patient, and staying on course, and not going before God again. After all, feelings are fleeting and could be wrong -- and the mind does go a bit incoherent when it's fatigued.