When rejection is false modesty

At cell this evening, G shared with us how he would always used to deflect words of praise and encouragement from people after leading worship.

Until one fine day, that is, when a fellow worship leader took him to task for not being gracious by accepting those positive words.

I guess he said those things because of what I said earlier of how I shared how I deflect words of praise after leading worship, even developing an aversion to such affirmative words, because I didn't want the risk of feeling good about myself when I am doing things for God.

In fact, the major reason why I stepped down from worship ministry all those years ago was precisely because I couldn't reconcile my desire for affirmation and my lack of clarity regarding the whole notion of back up singing or worship leading, as not being a performance.

It finally occurred to me that not accepting those praises also constitutes false modesty. More importantly, not accepting those praises the way I have been rejecting them so violently also means I may not be letting God love me through the people around me.

I have effectively developed an inbuilt mechanism that is a wall around me. It's a self defense mechanism that prevents me from getting too big-headed by being hard on myself.

It may have been very obvious to some around me, but those times I said "oh no, it's all God and none of me" when people kept going on and on about my 4.9 CAP score last semester, was really false modesty.

At the end, it is really my heart condition that counts -- I keep saying it's all God, but do I really know and mean it?

And my not-so-right condition of the heart is manifest in so many ways right now I am overwhelmed.

For one, I am worried about my grade for the term papers I have submitted. (Do I hear people going: what's new man...)

I am getting the ones for religion and ethnographic visual analysis class back on Monday and I am getting quite nervy about how I will fare for those pieces of work I submitted without not being fully convicted about them. And then there is the short response paper for gender class, which I thought was rather contrived.

And then there is my ISM, for which I have had the deadline for extended from this last Wednesday to next Friday. I have not exactly started on the 5000-word essay yet, and I still got to figure my 10-12 page for gender class as well.

All these come on top of having to study for 2 exams for 2 modules I have not been a dutiful student for. Simply put, my lecture notes for these 2 classes are in a state of mess and this is week 12 of 13 weeks. And my 2 exams are in 3 and a half weeks.

The list goes on and on.

But I guess at the end of the day, the spectre of matching my last semester's performance is lingering somewhere in the recesses of my mind. I am starting to take things into my own hands again -- I am worried because I am not sure if I can finish everything well.

The manner I relate to people on the newspaper team also came into mind, in particular an incident with somebody who has somewhat fallen away from Christ.

G also recounted the occasions when his mom would always ask him whether he has loved the person that he apparently has a problem with.

To love somebody means to spend time with the person and not to judge him. It struck me that I felt so angry and aggrieved by what he said because I have judged him. My reaction towards him was one motivated by anger and self righteousness, and not of love.

Just now at cell, I sensed God reassuring me, beckoning me to just keep my head down, and do what I have to be doing and not worry. And He also reminded me that He will see me through.

Not to say there are no consequences about my lack of conscientiousness, but that God's grace will see me through. But in the same breath, to bear the consequences as and when they come. But all the time, God's grace.

It may be mildly not reassuring to you, but it is tremendously encouraging for me as I embark on a mad rush to get those 2 essays churned out and get started on salvaging my studying.

The lesson today was to be real with God, and this is as real as it gets.