Being able to choose is supposed to empower you, but choices can also be a rather painful thing.
Because with choices, there are also consequences.
It's painful enough making wrong choices yourself and having the bear the brunt of it. It's so much more painful to see your friends screw up and get stuck in the vicious cycles that their life choice perpetuates.
Especially when you know they know they should get out of it but are unable to break out of it because of the sheer inertia that habits generate.
Sometimes though, I suspect I live vicariously through my friends who are generally more worldly.
It's like I am suppressing an apparent wilful nature within me in wanting to do all the things I know I shouldn't be doing, in the Christian scheme of things.
Therein lies the certain duality I cannot seem to reconcile -- as much as I wished my friends break out of a vicious cycle, maybe I don't really wish that about them because otherwise I will not be able to live vicariously through them.
This entry is not so much about my friends or how selfish I am, but the internal turmoil that erupts within me from time to time triggered by my lust for the "high" life. Take for example, the whole clubbing thing.
Clubbing, let me disclaim first, is not really all that bad. It's just that the whole lifestyle that clubbing is associated with, is not something I realised is exactly for me.
While I hardly club nowadays, I do get the itch to go check out Mambo at Zouk once in a while -- like last Wednesday, during the mid-term recess for example.
I drank more than I usually do and got really high and my tongue loosened and my language turned rather foul. I saw some people I know make out, and because I have never seen them like that before, I felt rather tentative.
And after it all, I feel morally dislodged. It's like I have been moved from my place I have agreed is good for me in the eternal scheme of things. It gets progressively worse with each subsequent night out.
It didn't help that I only got home at 5am and was nursing a rather bad hangover when I got up at 12noon. And this seems to get progressively worse too. Maybe it's a sign of age and how I am too old to go on a night out like this.
Much as I think it's okay to hang out once in a while, I don't think I can justify the cost of a few hours of "fun" anymore -- imagine being "paralysed" for 2 days after a night out. It's just not worth it anymore.
Thr irony that I may be stuck in a vicious self-perpetuating cycle myself, doesn't escape me. It's like the proverbial forbidden fruit -- you just want it, no matter how bad it may be for you.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
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2 comments:
allow me to have an opinion on this..
i think it's precisely because it's forbidden fruit that when you do it, you do it excessively.
For someone who clubs regularly and doesn't see the big deal, he may be able to have a moderate night out, ie control drinking or don't drink at all. Clubbing can be just dancing and drinking juice, as uncool as your friends will think you are.
When someone no longer becomes a forbidden fruit, it loses its mystic qualities.
That's my opinion anyway. And of course, it doesn't apply to every "vice" but honestly, clubbing is no big deal.
Take care you. :)
Joyce
why did u feel tentative seeing others when your own language turned foul?
anyway the choice of clubbing is up to you. if u are clear in your own mind what is right and wrong about it, dont let anyone (including yourself) put you on unnecessary guilt trips
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