About being afflicted by "curses"

If there are things such as blessings, then it follows that curses, which is the antithesis of blessings, must also exist.

DL was just telling me that over a wantan-mee lunch a few Saturdays ago. I am starting to wonder if that is true of my love life.

I was at Fairfield's annual Past-vs-Present Alumni Games Day last Saturday and I saw so many of my juniors around and found out many people are attached and on the way to getting engaged/married.

It didn't help that my entire secondary 4 class, minus M, KC and S, didn't turn up at all.

It got me thinking not only about my mortality, but also whether will I ever die a lonesome death, with people only finding my skeletal remains 10 years from the time I die?

And remembering how loneliness can lead one to do quirky things as portrayed in Royston Tan's 4:30 which I caught a few weeks ago with Mark L and Jase L, I started to feel really sorry for myself.

The first girl I ever liked, I liked for 3 years, but things never really quite materialised after the whole school got wind of my feelings for her. After that, the girls that I fancied were simply put, either attached or simply too difficult to get to know.

Then a few years ago, I struggled with differentiating between liking somebody and liking the idea that somebody was a good Christian girl. I still face some problems with that, but at least now this factors a great deal when I process my thoughts.

Right now, when people ask me about it, like how Marcus T did the first time he saw me after a month in Germany, I just shrugged my shoulders.

I don't know whether I am resigned to the fact that I will probably be single for the rest of my life, or too tired to be, what he likens to be constantly "on the prowl." I have honestly stopped bothering about it, until one of my occassional bouts of insecurity, like now.

xxx

That same Saturday, I went to church after PVP and saw how Gerry was slumped over his seat, utterly overcame with fatigue from the week at work, but still struggling to hold himself together so that he could still be there for his wife and kids.

Then it struck me how tiring it must be to be a father and a husband. I recalled how irritated/tired I was minding those 3 kids on the mission trip to Korat a few weeks ago.

But Gerry also said that it's different when it comes to your own kids. "No matter how tired you are, you just want to do your best for them," he said.

It struck me that I am not ready to be doing this at all. Maybe this curse will be lifted when God deems that I am ready. Maybe then will the prospect of dying alone be a far fetched one.