Bombed Down, But Not Out

It may have been just the events in the morning today, but it is so overwhelming that I do not even know where to start.

Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong this morning as I scampered to take a writing test with the local bureau of an international news wire agency scheduled for 10am.

First, I mistook 9am for 10am. I rushed like crazy thinking I totally overslept, only to realise it was only 9am when I looked at the clock in the taxi. I made a diversion to NUS STA Travel to book my air ticket to Bangkok to better make use of the extra time instead.

The writing test was a massive blur. There were two parts to it. The first involved a 10-question short answer type of questions, and the second required us to write a piece culling information from a simulated press release and some additional information provided.

I utterly bombed the first section. I think I was stunned questions like "Why do you want to be a journalist?" and "What are the elements of a good news story?" were asked. I found it difficult to put into words something that seemed almost inane to me.

I also inevitably made two blatant errors in word choice, and three grammar mistakes in my first two questions, so that kind of contributed to my negative first impression. I also could not answer the two economics questions -- one on equities share trading and another one on simple inflation/deflation and the role of the central bank.

He did not score me for stating just one website that I frequented.

I also gave so-so answers when I was asked to state what were the likely top economic stories coming out of Singapore in the next few years and the impact of China's economic growth on Singapore. He scored me a combined 0.5 mark for both questions.

It did not matter that I scored for the interview I planned for Microsoft CEO, Bill Gates where I wanted to ask him for his views on American global dominance and whether a diminishing of this would affect Microsoft continued success in any way.

It also did not matter that I scored for the current affairs section. It did not matter I identified the Thai PM Thaksin Shinawatra, the hardline Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Japanese PM Koizumi Junichiro as the top three men in Asia to watch out for.

It certainly did not matter I identified Shin Corp, Temasek Holdings, the Singapore GIC and Creative Technologies (for its spat with Apple Computer) as the top Asian/Singaporean companies to watch out for.

In the end, my zero score in the first two questions counted against me as the bureau chief told me after grading my test in front of me, that he would have offered the internship to me if I had scored 5/10 - and I scored 3/10 because I bombed the two questions that I should not have bombed.

I am bloody angry with myself because I bombed not because of incompetence, but because it was probably just an off day I was having today.

But I thought the clincher was what the bureau chief said after looking at the story I wrote for the second part of the writing test.

While he said he liked my writing samples, he compared them with my writing test performance where he observed that although I had a good headline, my lead paragraph was "messy" and questioned how much authorship was retained in my sample works.

I was floored.

I could be wrong, but I thought he told me after that that he thought I cannot write and that I have bad English, "like most locals" because we "get our metaphors all mixed up."

I could only muster a weak smile in response. I was honestly, quite dazed. While his second comment about the metaphors had some basis, it was about the first time anybody has told me I could not write.

To be fair, the bureau chief was very nice when he said what he did. I do not think he was trying to be malicious or rude. He even encouraged me to apply again in two years when I am "more mature" with my writing and all. He said this unsuccessful application would not count against me in my reapplication.

And deep down inside, I do realise that this reality check is necessary for me.

I have been relatively successful in my journalistic endeavours so far - I did some time with ST last summer and then I did really well for the two news reporting classes I took this academic year. So Murphy acting up this way could be seen as somewhat balancing the all too rosy picture thus far.

While I was constantly bruised in every single way at ST, I was lavished with praise all throughout the year. Unconsciously, I think my head got too big for my own good.

I reckon that if I am going to be asking people hard questions as a journalist, then I am going to have to be able to take such hard knocks as a journalist. I think all those praise and affirmative words in the last year have kind of numbed me to what it was like in the ST newsroom.

The first rule in journalism is that journalists must be prepared to be slammed and not expect any praise for anything - any positive comments is entirely a bonus and cannot be expected.

I was dazed because I not only taken for granted, but have also become overly attached to my God-given ability with words and all. I identified myself too much with what I was good at.

And maybe I could not answer the first two questions simply because...I really do not know why myself. I could not translate my convictions into the written form because maybe I have not given it much prayer or thought yet.

Over the last few months, the voice within me, urging me to start reconciling journalism with God in my life, has been getting stronger by the day. Today, I guess it reached its crescendo.

At the end, I remember that God has already gone before me, so I really do not have to worry whether I have a future at this international news wire agency, or whether I am really that incompetent, or whether this is a sign that journalism is not for me.

More than just negative readings and an unneccessary extrapolation of my current situation, I think perhaps doing nothing substantive this summer is something I should be doing.

Not that the newspaper and the ISM research proposals are "nothing" in a sense, but I guess I should just take things slow this time and forget about pursuing the other wire agency I have in mind.

It just means that I have to shop less and travel less this summer, so maybe Hong Kong in July after this impulse trip to Bangkok I am making from Thursday to Monday, would not be so possible after all.

But it is all good I guess. It is not the end of the world. I just need to sleep the emotions off, and start taking things back to Him again.