made a fool again

i never really do learn do i? it's been a while since this happened, but i sit right here hopping pissed. i wanted to work on my essay, but now all mood's gone. because all the things i had against him previously just roared back into my face with a vengeance. just because the ugly head didn't rear itself the past year or so doesn't mean it's disappeared.

i started things with my tongue strictly in cheek. the conversation was not meant to turn out this way. and truth be told, i should have expected him to take the tone he did. because he always does that. and i made the mistake of assuming that he actually is bothering.

i guess it pissed me off because he was stating the truth about the situation and himself.

i used to gripe a lot about how much i am giving to people around me, but not receving as much. i used to think if there's anything inherently wrong with me for giving so much. after i got to know more people, i realised that if normal people are good, old friends, they don't give each other such nonsense. that if we are brothers in christ, people are generally more civil.

nonsense like when u suay suay happen to like the same girl as a close friend. when you try to be honest and tell him that, he tells you that while he appreciates my honesty, he doesn't think it's necessary -- he is only bothered with who he likes, who you like matters for nothing.

i haven't been angsty in this manner for quite a while now. there must be a certain amount of premium we must divest in the relationships and friendships we maintain, but not overly. when i made that conscious decision to let go of my friends and letting God at the beginning of 2004, life was so much more bearable for me because much as the people around me don't feel so stifled by me, i wasn't stifled by myself. but i guess this is one of the few times that demonstrate my imperfection. perhaps it's not even about me. actually, i don't think it's about me that much anymore.

i really hate being proven wrong again. i guess some things just never change.