me, my message and my people

that was in a nutshell what jason and stephen shared at the end of sectional rehearsal today. they were reminding us about checking our hearts. that there was a possibility that this musical as an offering will not be accepted by God because of our impure hearts, minds and souls. do we know what it takes to be utterly broken?

to be honest, when i heard first jason and then stephen talk, my mind was going into overdrive. i started thinking about every single thing i did about this bce thing and i was utterly overwhelmed by the possibility that everything i have done for it...may have been all been wrong. i felt giddy. but i was mostly bewildered.

i got reminded that my tardiness -- how i have been late for almost every single rehearsal, whether wittingly or unwittingly doesn't really matter, how my almost non-existent quiet time for the last year, how even my intentions in inviting my friends down for the musical, or the way i have been approaching my role could cause the musical to not attract God's glory.

i was gripped with fear, inadequacy and disdain. in fact, i am still dazed by the whole episode. it was like a bad dream, but i reckoned it was necessary to jolt me of my apparent mental and emotional neutral-zone.

things only appeared to be ok, because i have been unaware and totally unsuspecting of old problems like pride coming back to haunt me.

God asked me why am i inviting my friends from church to the musical when this is an evangelistic one? my initial answer was that doing this musical has been an incredible personal journey with God for me, and i wanted my closer friends to be there. or is it?

or is it the pride i have about this being my musical debut? why was i so offended when joanne told me not to distribute the invites so blatantly? could this be all about how i can sing, as if i got something to prove against my detractors? i have been asking my non-christian friends to come because i am the lead. i used this line initially because i knew an overt reference to God would chase and deter people from coming -- but overtime, i think i have pushed God off the pedestal and in my mind, unconsciously i really wanted people to watch me sing.

this cannot hold because fundamentally this musical is not a secular one. it is about God, his message and his people. why did i purposefully drawn away from involving myself in jonathan's problems? was i giving him space or was i just treating him as a colleague? i realised i haven't stood by someone's problems the whole time i am on bce. the people doesn't just only refer to non-christians who are going to be in the audience at showtime next week, but the people i have been working with the last 3 months.

the reasons why i wanted to come onto this musical -- somehow in some way, i have detracted from them. i got lost in trying to hold on to my good intentions.

i really wanted to walk out and quit there and then. but i thought if this musical was to be all about God, after all i have done and realised, this act of resignation so near the musical is tantamount to an act of treason and selfishness. besides, it would be an outright act of defiance to the authority and the leaders God had placed over me.

it has barely been a hour since the collective address by jason and stephen, my mind's still in a flurry. it's like my world is totally unravelling. i am only beginning to see what's truly important.

i am just reminded only now that this is actually a fulfillment of a simple prayer i have been uttering -- for God to teach us to continually to know what it takes to be broken before Him. i am grateful for God for speaking through these 2 people, i just need to take time out to come to terms with the reality that i have been shit all this while.

shit, yet God still takes us as precious things. shit, yet we are unique in His image. but do i have to remain as shit now that i have known once again.

i know i have got to do something about it, and to respond in the right manner -- not that there's a lot i can do about it in the first place, but right now, i think i just need to chill out with that big guy up there. just that little more.