2004

i was just reading my blog posts for the past year. in january, i wrote about the prayer pastor rennis prayed over me at last year's convenant service when i took communion -- "may God grant you peace that surpasses all understanding in periods of darkness and uncertainty in the new year." over the course of this year, i forgot about these prophetic words -- and i realised i pretty much forgotten most of what God said to me earlier this year. reading through what i wrote in the past year is like taking a trip down God's alley again as i was reminded of the many events that have unfolded itself this past year.

as 2004 draws to a close in a few hours time, let me just sum up my top 10 moments for the year. we start from bottom up.

at number ten is han jin's one-night only reappearance at the fat frog's cafe in march. as i heard him and his one-man band play the familiar strains of something i couldn't keep and believe -- the song that goes "why can't we understand that nothing has changed" -- i was so overwhelmed by nostalgia -- of the times when i was doing my A levels, when i mugged the whole week just for friday and saturday nights when i would just park myself under the stars, alfresco, taking in my weekly dosage of male melancholy. made me wished nothing would ever change, that i will forever be 18 and have nothing to worry about. that momentarily musical escapism was good, but it made me want to hear more of han jin singing live. by the way, the album he promised 3 years ago -- make that 4 now -- is still not out yet.

talking about the past, parked at the ninth spot, is saying goodbye to geography. over the course of the last semester, it became increasingly obvious to me that my original plan to major in geography was just not going to work out. the unexpected B-minus grade was kind of God's way of confirming it. a bad pair of lousy lecturers forced me to re-examine the reasons for my apparent passion for the subject, but eventually it was not bad teaching that forced me to abandon the plan. geography represented my tendency to over-plan and also my past. i have allowed the impact of my past to affect me enough already. i need to move on and do something i really like. i still don't know what i am going to major in, but i am going to try out political science and then decide after that. it could be anything between that, sociology or literature.

taking the number eight spot is my failed singapore idol audition. on hindsight, it was perhaps something i shouldn't have gone for. from the start, i wasn't too comfortable with the word "idol." the fourth commandment -- thou shall not have any idols before me -- was just over-riding my conscious mind most of the time. still i went against good sense and tried to convince myself that i went "for fun." when i forgot my lyrics after waiting 8 hours for my turn, i realised that i went because i wanted to get the world's affirmation that i could sing. problem was, this wasn't exactly a talent competition -- it's a popularity contest. (and don't get me started on that.) i couldn't reconcile my desire to sing and be on stage at the same time, but after another audition for talentquest'05 last month, i finally had it figured out -- making His world my stage should be my main aim and not the singapore idol stage. it took the experience of david yeo on his blog and God's insistent patient prompting over half a year for me to arrive at this point of breakthrough.

coming in seventh is the synergix youth conference i attended in march. i went there because planetshakers were the band in attendance there, but God just blew me away with so much more. i went into the conference completely drained of energy doing the cell group for the younger boys with jimmy -- especially after the year end events of the previous year. i sensed God breaking the chains that were holding me down and preventing me from worshipping Him as freely as i should. this conference was God' way of charging my batteries and affirming my decision of not going to brisbane to attend the planetshakers conference after planning so long for it. the one-liner i took away from this conference was about the issue of giving -- sometimes it's not about how much you give, but how much you hold back.

i took the decision not to go to brisbane because i got wind of my dad's impending retrenchment and i thought the money to be spent on the trip could be better saved for a rainy day. my family's rough year ranks number six on this list. my mom was also bedridden for a while in may because of some nerve disorder she suffered. all in all, it was bad, but it did give me an opportunity to share about God. in fact, dad, mom and my youngest sister came for the ALPHA dinner in january after i told dad that God will provide if he gets retrenched...and He did! mom's temporary disability made me realise that while mom was imperfect and all, she was all i ever had. i reminded her to come back to God, that it's not too good to keep Him waiting.

at number five, the wedding of the year! james lim and mok ailing getting married in july this year was just about the most perfect wedding that can be organised. the guest list was huge, but it felt so intimate and so classy and creative. they put in so much thought to all the minor details -- can u imagine there was a chinois-chinois dress theme for the dinner? very nice!

ranked fourth is my accelerated ord on 30 june and the subsequent one-month odyseey God took me on. i was supposed to ord on 4 august but mindef announced that it would be brought forward in line with the cut in nsf liability. i don't want to go speculating the reasons for that all over again, but i was upset. i was upset that i wouldn't be paid for doing nothing. but above all, i was worried about my financial situation. dad was not doing too well, mom was telling me all was ok, but when i checked the accounts, i realised i may not have enough to pay me thr uni. so i went on a mad rush, going against the better sense of resting the month away before the flurry of school beckons. yet despite my foolish endeavours, God provided. james came back with an offer i couldn't refuse -- an internship on a film production that paid pittance. through it i got to know samantha, but i quit after just 2 weeks because i realised i didn't have what it took to last the distance and i didn't want my lousy attitude to hold them back. immediately, a relief teaching offer came into the picture. but after it all, i realised there was an oversight on my part. cpf board came back and told my mom there was enough to pay four years worth of school fees. God provides in amazing ways.

the number three event of 2004 is the band fiasco in church. it all started when five friends in church decided to come together to play at wala wala's. it was way more than that, but it created such a controversy because of a miscommunication between the leadership and the people involved. it shook me up because i saw where both were coming from. but i thought this whole event forced the real people who stood up to be counted. they are not always the ones who stood up to defend the pastoral team, but just people who stood up for God. through it all, God kept reminding me that it is Him whom i serve, not man -- so despite my intial reservations, i committed to at least one more year to service in the youth ministry.

the event that is the second most significant to me this year was deciding to join my varsity christian fellowship care group in october. prior to that, i had always thought God wanted me to do my publishing/journalism thing and then through the way i do things, get people to question my take on life and the faith. it was a evangelism by means of infiltration i had thought He had in mind. i still think it is, but the thing is i totally underestimated the importance of having a core group of christian friends in school whose very physical presence in school would remind me of the constant need to be the light and the salt of the world. to be in this world, but not of this world. this decision was vindicated when i went for the vcf annual teach in camp at cameron highlands earlier this month where God basically answered a lot of my questions -- like where do i go from finishing a year of abstinence from relationships and alcohol. through dr harley and his wife, i was tremendously blessed as i tuned in and listened to what God had to tell me about my life and where i go from here into the new year.

and the top moment of the year for me would be starting school again. it was traumatic coming to terms with my very own perfectionist streak as i drove myself to the ground editing the essays i did again and again before submission -- all after slacking the first half of the semester and realising i have to put in much more effort into turning those B's into A's which i promptly did, but i guess it was a little too late for it to matter in the end where the overall results are concerned. but my first semester in school was really bad also partly because the one thing that characterised my first semester was how often i fell sick. i always fall sick after each visit to the central library, so i took to studying in the forum and the law library. despite the numerous occasions i fell sick, there was the four-day fever that two doctors couldn't explain that took the icing on the cake. on hindsight, it was a spiritual fever just as it was a physical fever that burnt down a lot of metaphorical walls in my life which precipitated the events that led up to my joining of vcf eventually.

and so there you have it. if you have lasted the whole article, thank you -- i now know who my real friends are. have a blessed time as you usher in the new year. and if you are into movies, await my top 10 movie of the year list -- it's going to be my first article in the new year.

hokay then. now for dinner at mark's.