that bug called love

oh man. i thought i was the only one nursing post-singapore idol hangover -- david yeo is in the same boat as well. i mean there's a disparity in how both of us progressed in the compeition, but the sense of an empty void, of how we have allowed the competition to occupy first piority in our lives for a while.

but really, i shouldn't be reading around too much at this time of a sunday night/monday early morning because my exams start next friday and i have got essays to finish. i slept at three yesterday because i told myself there is no way i was going to bed with an incomplete paper three. i subsequently finished the paper tentatively called "the framed reality of political apathy in singapore," but i still feel there's more i could do to add to the paper. but i am just going to let it rest for now, while i switch my focus to neuroscience and literature.

i find myself too tired and lazy to do anything else tonight though. it could be fatigue. but i think it's something else.

it's got to do with the affairs of the heart. and the affairs of MY heart. some of you would know i made a year-long pact with God to purposefully stay off any relationships this year because i thought it would be good if i enter university first and then take a look around and then really decide. on hindsight, i think it was partly me trying to escape from the fact that i really do like her that way.

i wish things were different. that they aren't so complicated. that it could have been easier. that it could be clearer. that God would just tell me explicitly to just GO. but as we all know, it's never like that.

it feels weird, different because i am not too used being in this position. it has been usually in a advisory position -- people not sure whether they like someone, or people dittering over a break up and stuff like that. i have always been someone to listen to people's love woes, rather than being involved in something of my own. the last few times in secondary school -- oh well, rejected straight in my face.

now as i look back at how persistent i was in secondary school -- i held on to my urm...affections for her over three years, i don't quite know where i got that strength from. it's such a funny feeling now.

oh man. think i'll go sleep it off. those three thick books on ants are just screaming for my attention. tomorrow i guess. c'est la vie.