the ache of modernity

in university now, i find it so difficult to talk to my friends from secondary school and even army. in fact, i think they are trying to avoid me. it's like they are running away from their past that i so represent. i feel as though i'm like the plague. it's an honest smile and joy when i see them, because i get reminded of those carefree days i spent before. of times we endured together in the tekong jungles. yet somehow or rather, they seem rather content to run away. from what i can only speculate.

i used to be very affected personally by this. i would go into a frantic state of paranoia and self pity -- why is everybody avoiding me? am i so detestable? is it because i...

oh well. you get the idea.

but now i just shrug my shoulders and move on with a sigh. apparently shi'en tells me it gets worse when we go out there into the working world. those olde world values and chivalry.

nowadays, i find people stoping our conversation with "oh clement, i am very busy now, maybe we should catch lunch someday." it succeeds with me because that kindda makes up for having to stop me in my tracks then. and i don't want to impede them in what they are doing. thing is, the lunch appointment never materialises. and then the person starts playing hide and seek with me. not that i purposefully seek them out. even a chance meeting induces such a painful look on their face. wassup man.

oh well. i attended my first varsity christian fellowship care group meeting today. was quite fun. but i need to check out campers crusade this thursday first. but i got a feeling i would settle for vcf eventually. it was vcf that first appealed to me. must be a reason that happened.

and i got a tuition offer. i will be taking this normal academic boy who will be in sec 3 next year for english and geography/social studies. for the holidays at least. dan tham reminded me about the committment it will demand of me. and i thought abt it and did some mental calculations. and he's right. i mean the money would be a relief for me but i don't exactly need that much now. oh well. i will see how things go. if that dude is not interested, i also don't want to simply take his mother's cash and not be of any help.

the start of a new week.