one week

it's been one week since i last wrote. and what a week it has been.

since i last wrote, i had a fever that lasted all of four days, forcing me to miss most of this week's lessons. i only attended a literature tutorial, a geography tutorial and a sociology lecture this week. i went to two doctors. both of them couldn't tell me what's wrong with me -- even though the second doctor conducted some tests on me. other than for traces of protein in my urine which can be explained by my fever condition and my panadol intake, all was apparently fine.

so i went home and slept through most of the week. on tuesday, just when the fever was going down, i had a double migraine attack. i got awaken by the first one in the morning. i desperately reached out for my pills from my bed and found them to be "expiring in sept 04". i was so desperate that i decided to take the risk. i popped one into my mouth. it got better until later, i experienced a pain on my right hand side, but this time i couldn't pop another pill coz i could only take one of them once every 12 hours. so i just gamely tried to sleep it off.

but the main point was not really how i suffered without mom around. how i hid the fact i was sick from mom when she called from china. but rather how i reconnected with God. somehow or rather in my rather feverish state.

i realised i have held on to my dreams and plans. and lost my grip on what's important. i lost sight of GOD. and my relationship with Him.

as a result, i went all over the place. the last week. i realised i wanted to major in geography because i planned to teach geography after my immediate plan to be a journalist materialised and run its course. my plan to minor in english was in the same vein.

after i actually started school, i actually found myself more intrigued by sociology, and i was getting more and more repulsed by geography as a university discipline. i was drawn to the modules that would enable me to understand the conflicts besetting the world at this moment. courses exploring the european and american consciousness particularly appealed to me. the reality was turning out to be very different from what i thought it would be.

and then in one of my prayers i uttered throughout, i made a decision to commit everything. i wasn't just going to jump from one plan to major in geography to another plan to major in sociology. i gave up everything -- the english minor, to do this, that, everything. it felt so much better after that. the weight upon my shoulders. all committed to Him.

the next thing to go was my preoccupation with my CAP score. much as i refused to admit it, i was very concerned the usp modules would be too difficult for me. and the 3 deadlines in a week really got to me. i thought my time in the army would have taught me to break tasks down into small manageable tasks and not be so edgy, but i obviously thought wrong. this breakdown was much a much a physical one as it was a spiritual one.

as i now trudge throught the small matter of reading and writing my essay -- for which my deadlines are extended to monday, thankfully my professors were very nice people -- i now realise how simple the tasks are, and how silly i was to have let them overwhelmed me in the first place.

i now have a lot to catch up, but i got a mid sem break coming up the week after next. it's a short 4 day break, but it just means i just need to get my act together and stop worrying. which is easy to do now -- since God spoke so much clarity.

thanks for all your prayers the past week. the stuff some of you have been telling me. i know i haven't been listening. and i am sorry i haven't.

it's been one week since. gladly since.